Console Crazy
by Dominus Noobius
Summary: After Kirby gets into a pile of snacks, he sets off a verbal war inside the mansion. Master Hand, tired of the fighting, sets up a tournament which will take the characters on a rollercoaster ride across the video games industry.
1. F Is For Fat

**A/N: **G'day to everyone in the SSBM story section. I've been reading stories here for a while and…oh right, nobody's listening. This new story, I came up with the idea and wrote it up within a couple of days, mainly to see what anyone would think about it. A few of the SSBM characters such as Yoshi and Mr Game And Watch were left out, but for now, it's just about what you think. If you want, send by an email to me and I can send you an attached word document showing the mini-games I plan to use during the course of the story. Of course, feedback is always appreciated. Please enjoy!

It was yet another afternoon inside the SSBM mansion. With the latest Smash Brothers tournament having been won recently by Link, having beat Samus in the final round, each one of the characters/combatants/friends were doing tasks based on their own accord, without the need of a disturbance from anyone else. But there was only one exception to this…quiet (cough dumbass cough) environment inside the mansion. And that came from well…um…from a rather large, pink, furry ball…eh…

Samus, Zelda and Peach, the three princess/female types, were sitting down on three chairs by the fireplace, which were constantly relit by Bowser's farts. They generally gossiped on topics ranging from nail polish to last night's frantic _Mario Party 4_ battle on the Nintendo GameCube where Peach had crapped on Zelda by switching their star totals in the second-last round, to the long stream of obscenities that Samus had launched at Roy when he had stuck a grenade to her during their one-on-one fight on _Halo 2_ on the Xbox.

Mario, Luigi and Wario, the three plumbers were occupying the GameCube, with Wario shouting on the two brothers as they competed in a sometimes far-too-competitive game of _Mario Tennis_. From a room next to the living room, you could occasionally hear a loudly shouted 'f' word as one of them unleashed a freakish shot to win a rally.

Bowser, Ganondorf and Donkey Kong were taking each other on at what they were best at-apart from the constant routine of pretending to kidnap princesses or being villains in their game roles in RPGs. Each one had a plate of hotdogs that never ran out, and the two IceClimbers were keeping time and scoring to see how many hotdogs each one could scoff in three minutes. A fight broke out between Bowser and Donkey Kong after DK had complained that Bowser had added extra-spicy hot-chilli sauce to his hot dogs, but they were both stopped by ice blasts by Popo and Nana.

Malon, Captain Falcon, Falco, Candy, Krystal and Fox were all hunched around a rather 'laid-back' board game of Monopoly, which was only occasionally broken by Captain Falcon's loud threats to falcon-kick the crap out of Falco whenever he landed on one of Falco's properties with a motel. And that happened often enough.

The Pokemon were sitting in a corner, staring at the screens of their GameBoy Advance SPs, playing games ranging from _Pokemon Gold_ to _Yu-Gi-Oh GX: Duel Academy_. This would be interrupted a few times when Pikachu released some electrical energy whenever he would get hit by a Mirror Force in the trading card game, or whenever Mewtwo released his own psychic energy when he lost to someone when that person had only 5hp on their last Pokemon.

Ness was taking apart the PlayStation 2 and attempting to combine it with a Super Nintendo Entertainment System for what he wanted to call a "Super Nintendo Entertainment Station PlaySystem". Unfortunately, he had no luck and he too could be heard releasing swear words each time he got electrocuted from perhaps poking a rod at an electric circuit.

To just about cap it off, Link, Roy and Marth were sitting by a large plasma-screen television in an entertainment room, surrounded by packs of _Tim Tams_, _Hershey_ chocolate bars, bags of chips and marshmallows. They watched everything from random American football games to episodes of _Family Guy_ or perhaps even a random movie such as _Cheaper By The Dozen_, or _Swingers_.

So generally, most of the Smashers had something to do during the periods of time they spent on the mansion as they waited for Master Hand to come up with a new location or some new rules for a Smash tournament. However, Kirby, the object who resembled a big fat pink ball, was one Smasher who failed to remain committed to one task at a time. He bounced around the mansion, joining others in random tasks and although he got along very well with everyone, he often annoyed several Smashers with his constant ability to leave a task for no exact reason apart from the fact that he could do so.

So it wasn't much of a surprise to the three male teenagers when Kirby bounced into the room, and began eyeing the snacks rather…greedily. Link and Roy ignored him, and continued watching MTV, but Marth kept him sighted in the corner of his eye. Kirby bounced his way onto the couch and with his tiny, barely-sighted hands, grabbed a Tim Tam and munched it down within five seconds. After stuffing three more Tim Tams in his mouth, he grabbed a bar of chocolate and chewed it down. But before he could reach for a second, Link stopped him, shaking his head.

"Why can't I?" Kirby asked, grumbling as he rubbed his stomach.

"If I didn't stop you, you would've finished all the snacks within ten minutes. And this pile is supposed to sustain us three for three hours…" Link said, patting Kirby on his backside  
"Hey, well, it looks like there's a lot more where this came from…" Kirby said, gazing dreamily at the still-huge pile of snacks that sat in front of him.

"No, Kirby, this pile cost me a load of rupees, and you better believe that…" Link grumbled, and winked quickly at Marth and Roy.

Unfortunately for him, Kirby spotted the wink, and knew that Link was hiding a secret. Or more like all three of them were hiding a secret. But for now, he decided to keep silent about it, and to pretend that he didn't know about anything.

"All right, I won't eat anything else," he sighed.

Link, satisfied, sat back again and continued to watch the MTV show that was being displayed. Kirby did so as well, but already a plan was forming in his mind…

However, two hours later, with the snack pile still quite high, there was the telltale buzz which indicated that Master Hand wanted a meeting which all Smashers were required to attend. They had ten minutes.

"Shit, we better store this pile of food somewhere for later. Kirby, piss off." Marth said, though there was nothing harsh in it and it was more an informal way of saying "See ya at the meeting, Kirby". Though it was more like a "_Go-away-Kirby-we-don't-need-you-to-see-our-secret-stash-of-food_" sort of comment.

Kirby decided that the comment, despite not being at all insulting towards him, was connected to why they had been so secretive about the food earlier in the afternoon. He morphed himself in with the walls, and followed the three as quietly as he could. They eventually ended up in Roy's room, where they flipped up a loose floorboard, and climbed down inside.

"As if, this isn't Harry Potter, gosh darn it!" Kirby muttered loudly, forgetting about staying quiet.

Link heard the comment as the three moved down to the little bit of space where a pile of food lay that even made the snack food section in a supermarket look small.

"Who was that?" he called, and stared back upwards. It sounded like Kirby…

"Dunno, Link, but I think the stuff involving Kirby and the food is really getting to your head…" Roy said, almost reading his friend's mind.

"Whatever." Link replied, shaking his head. The three peered lovingly at their huge pile of food before they all scrambled back upwards, slotting the floorboard back in place. Then, they all headed out for the meeting, not noticing the pink, fluffy ball that had un-morphed and opened up the floorboard, sneaking down below…

Kirby almost screamed in delight as he discovered the massive amounts of candy bars, chips, and chocolate biscuits that lay around him. No wonder Link had been so uptight! It was like swimming in a lake full of delicious fatty foods, only bigger and much more enjoyable, considering that it wasn't sticky and uncomfortable. He took a large armful of the snacks, and headed out to his room. With all the others ready and waiting for the meeting to start, he could have a quick feast before he joined everyone else. Unfortunately, after consuming his third pack of Tim Tams, he began to doze off for some rather strange reason, unknown to him that this nap would set off a chain of events that he just wouldn't be able to imagine, especially with his sugar-affected mind…

The meeting was just about ready to start, as Master Hand had floated in, and was ordering some cookies and milk to be baked for everyone to keep them revitalised during the meeting. However, Link was slowly getting more and more worried by the fact that Kirby was missing. He knew that he hadn't managed to completely convince Kirby that his pile of food wasn't from his rupees, but the large pile that he had built up over years.

"Hey, Samus, have you seen Kirby?" he asked the blonde-haired girl, out of her armour as usual, since she only needed it as protection during the real battles.

"Nup. Why?" Samus asked curiously.

"Umm…well, this arvo Marth, Roy and I let Kirby join us with some food and such, and we deposited it for later, and I have a bad feeling that since he's not here, he might have gotten hold of it and…"

Link was interrupted by Master Hand reappearing, carrying in his large hand several large glasses of milk, and a few bowls of cookies.

"Help yourself, we've got a long agenda to discuss for the next tournament…" came the mysterious voice.

Link and Samus sat next to each other, and grabbed cookies and a glass of milk, grinning at each other. So a new tournament was going to be on soon, and they no longer had to spend countless days feeding their boredom.

"Who isn't here?" The Hand asked, counting the Smashers.

Link went to inform Master Hand that Kirby wasn't present, but Marth beat him to it.

"Kirby. We saw him when we were packing up some stuff to get ready for the meeting, but we haven't seen him since…"

"Then let's go check. Pikachu, take Ness and go search for him. Check his room first…then go check the entertainment room. He might be there eating…and, well…" Master Hand slowly trailed off, and quietly, he whispered two words:

"Oh shit."

Pikachu and Ness returned pretty quickly, and both looked rather flustered.

"Uh, we all should go and see Kirby's room…" Ness said, looking pale.

All the Smashers moved out of the meeting area, leaving their cookies and milk behind, though DK managed to crunch one down before he too, followed everyone else.

As they moved towards Kirby's room, Link had a quick look at Roy's room as they passed it. The floorboard was sitting on the floor, but not in the right place. Link gulped. His only hope now was that Marth had simply just forgotten to put the board back, and that no-one had discovered it in the period of time between then and now…

No such luck for him. Peach, the first one in Kirby's room after Ness and Pikachu, gave a loud scream, and soon, Link could see what was going on. He wanted to scream as well, as he saw Kirby laid out on the bed, chocolate smeared all around his mouth, empty candy bar wrappers sitting with unwrapped ones, and large bags of chips-his, Marth's and Roy's chips and a few empty cans of cola.

From the loud scream uttered by Peach, Kirby began to lapse out of his sleep. He opened his eyes, feeling relaxed and pretty stuffed by all the food he had consumed. But all that happy feeling he developed disappeared in a trace when he saw all the Smashers looking at him and his/Link's/Marth's/Roy's food, with their mouths hanging wide open.

_Aw shit. I'm screwed…_were his last thoughts before he fainted.


	2. Link Blows Up

**A/N: **Again, this chapter is still going to be a sort of a pilot, though I think I've managed to straighten out the cuffs in this story. Again, this chapter is going to continue on several pop culture references. This chapter could possibly contain excessive swearing, though I might decide to tone it down. Depends what I feel like, which is never good…

In the end, Master Hand had been quick to react. He had dismissed the meeting, and ordered the Smashers to get back to what they had been doing before, before he grabbed Kirby, and carried him into his personal room.

Kirby had only been inside Master Hand's private function room only once before, and it was impressive. Much of the room was occupied by a large cherry-red table made out of high-quality cedar, and armchairs surrounded it. Kirby also noticed a large widescreen TV on the wall, with four games consoles, including the illustrious SNES, and a bar and fridge in one other corner. A computer was also there, which Kirby assumed the Hand used for organising tournaments. However, Doom 3 was loaded on the screen, and the carried shotgun on-screen was just about to blast a big hole through an imp before it was paused, so it wasn't exactly anything. Master Hand just about had everything.

"Now, Kirby, want a cocktail? Margarita? Martini? Manhattan?" Master Hand asked, as he glided over to the bar, and dragged out a few bottles of tequila, vodka and gin.

"No thanks…" muttered Kirby, still pretty sick from the snacks he had consumed.

Master Hand ignored him, and poured a nip from the bottle of Absolut, before placing it in front of Kirby. He made himself a martini, and rather shiftily, tipped a little into what seemed to be an invisible mouth. Kirby shivered silently.

"Now, Kirby, we have to talk about this stuff. Your food habit is just too…uncontrollable." Master Hand sighed, and he drank again.

"Sorry, Master Hand." Kirby grumbled.

"I doubt that I should let you out, considering that you'd trigger a massive verbal war in the mansion…"

"There probably is already one." Kirby piped up.

Master Hand looked displeased, and that was quite an amazing feat considering that he was nothing but a large, white-gloved hand. He performed the strange drink process again, and went deep into thought. Kirby decided not to interrupt him, as the Hand was almost as bad as Crazy Hand, his cousin, when he was disturbed while thinking hard. After a couple of minutes, Master Hand had managed to think up his crazy plan. It was risky, but if successful, it could just about be a perfect emergency plan if the verbal war got out-of-hand…

"All right, Kirby, you can go back into the mansion, but I doubt that you'll get much sympathy…" Master Hand said, and he nudged Kirby towards the door.

Kirby groaned, and he moved out of the room, hearing it slam shut behind him.

As he headed back into the main living room, he could already feel the tension between the Smashers. They probably had already taken sides already, and the infighting was likely to start the moment anyone mentioned the incident at the meeting. Kirby bounced his way onto one of the empty armchairs, and gazed around at the unusually-quiet area. DK, Ganondorf and Bowser weren't laying into hotdogs like usual, but instead, they were chewing them carefully, and sipping from cans of Coke. Link, Marth and Roy were sitting in armchairs across the room, inspecting their swords rather glumly. Even Samus, Zelda and Peach, who were usually the three most chattiest were rather quiet, talking softly.

This kept up until dinner, an hour later. As everyone made their way to plates full of tacos and chorizo sausages with jalapenos, the mood seemed to ease up. But that was only until Krystal tripped over Link's foot going to refill her glass, as he hanged it out from the table. The result ended up in both Krystal's and Link's plate of food ending up on the floor, and Link snapped.

"WHAT THE HELL? YOU FUCKING CLUMSY PIECE OF SHITHOLE CRAP!" he screamed in anger.

"IT'S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT YOU MANAGED TO STICK YOUR FUCKING FOOT OUT, YOU SELFISH PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT!" Krystal yelled back in retaliation, standing up and throwing herself at Link.

They flew into each other in a flurry of punches, and both Fox and Marth dived into the fray, dragging the two combatants out. Link punched Marth in the nose as he furiously tried to wriggle out of his friend's grab to get back at Krystal, while Krystal managed to knee Fox in the balls doing the same thing. Both of them veered out of the way of the fierce brawl, and the two started fighting again, but this time, Link got the first hit by grabbing the closest plate of food that he could find, which was Roy's, and tossing it at Krystal. Although she managed to dodge the indestructible plate, she was sprayed by the mix of shredded cheese, tomato sauce and beef. The plate thudded against the wall, and hit the floor with nothing done to it. Meanwhile, Krystal had jumped on Link again, and began pulling on Link's blonde hair. Link staggered about, and fell onto his table, upending it and flipping a few plates of food over.

Mewtwo finally broke up the fracas, using his psychic power to calm down both, although they did break away from each other glaring furiously.

"Geez, Mewtwo, couldn't you have done that earlier?" grumbled Marth, nursing his nose in pain. Already, a bruise had formed in the area Link had tonked him on, and it would be very sore in the morning.

However, it turned out that the little fight had already triggered a few extra verbal battles, probably from the tension caused earlier, and suddenly, the fighting had started once again, but this time around, it was nearly everyone, with only a few non-combatants. Even the Ice Climbers, who were usually quite friendly and docile, were arguing bitterly with Peach.

Those who weren't abusing everyone else, were Pikachu, Kirby, Marth, Fox, Mewtwo and Falco, and all five were attempting to break up the fighting. The room was pretty much a mess now, with most of the Smashers covered in food that had been tossed, until eventually the two Pokemon managed to perform a nice little combo; Pikachu pulled in a full-velocity Thunder attack and Mewtwo followed it up with his own Thunder, which just about rendered each of the "rioters" useless.

Master Hand had obviously heard the noise, as he floated in soon after everyone had been paralysed by Pikachu's Thunder Wave.

"What the hell has been going on here?" he asked in his deep, booming voice, obviously shocked at the piles of food that lay all along the floor, and at the paralysed Smashers, also covered in what had been their Mexican dinner

"Link started a fight with Krystal and basically, everyone managed to explode after that..." Pikachu muttered, exhausted after the use of all that electrical energy.

Master Hand wasn't surprised that this had managed to occur, and he was already thinking of more ambitious plans for what he had in store for the Smashers next. He just had to hope that it would be enough for the Smashers to get over all the crap that had happened in the last few hours…

True to his promise, early next morning, during breakfast, the Smashers didn't have time for much arguing…or throwing, in that case, as no bowls of cereal, sausages, or peanut butter and jam/jelly sandwiches were tossed across the room. Once again, the room had settled back into yesterday afternoon's mindset, and everyone was quite eager to find out what Master Hand would cook up for them.

Master Hand came in about two hours after the first Smasher had come to breakfast, and he was carrying a pile of papers. Each Smasher watched him curiously as he lazily dropped the pile on a table, and moved to the front.

"Right, now, I organised this tournament for all that crap involving Kirby and the pile of food…" Master Hand said, as if everyone hadn't already guessed.

He flicked sheets of paper out to everyone, and motioned for everyone to read. After a few minutes, there were already a few cries of "No way!" and "Oh crap".

When Master Hand gathered up the paper again, silence met him. Just about every Smasher was staring at him circumspectly, mouths wide-open.

"So…we're supposed to compete in all those games?" Falco finally managed to choke out.

"Well, your choice. You guys start a brawl, that's what you guys get." Master Hand said in a rather matter-of-fact way.

"But…Pacman! I mean…" Donkey Kong trailed off, and made a few imaginary vomit noises. Malon, sitting next to him, shook her head silently.

"And it's lucky that Yoshi, Young Link and Mr. Game And Watch are on vacation, that gives us a nice even number of participants." Master Hand grinned invisibly.

"Yeah, they're luckier, they don't have to go through this sort of torture either!"

This time, it was the voice of Captain Falcon booming through the room.

Master Hand ignored his cry.

"Well, you guys have three hours to get ready for the first event. You'll like this one, considering you've been shoving a lot of it up each other's throats in the last twelve hours!"

With that, Master Hand floated out of the breakfast room, leaving a stunned silence.

Link managed to break it with one more comment:

"Dance Dance Revolution?"

**End note: **So yeah, I did kind of tone down the swearing, to just a couple of excessive lines. And the Smashers are now subject to DOOM! Actually, not really, but the really entertaining stuff might come later on rather than in these early chapters.


	3. Way To Blow!

"I mean, I don't believe it!"

That was the most notable quote that could be heard as the Smashers made their way to the living room, talking loudly, the row almost forgotten in the flurry of conversation.

"I can't sing! I can't sing! I can't sing! Ahhhhhh-shit, ouch!" Donkey Kong had rushed around screaming at the fact that there was SingStar on the list, but he was stopped by Roy poking a sword up his butt.

"Well, what about Morph Ball Racing, ah? It's something Sonic the Hedgehog would do, I'm not exactly roly-poly!" Wario exclaimed.

"You _are_ pretty fat." Popo muttered quietly.

Wario punched him, and the Ice Climber toppled to the floor.

"Well, see, I guess I'll have the advantage for the Morph Ball Racing, then." Samus smirked.

"Damn you. What do you think the first event will be anyway?" asked Ness.

"I don't know. Can't remember jack from that list." Bowser admitted, shaking his head.

"Mr. Forgetful." Popo said, having gotten up. He was immediately decked again, this time from a nudge from Bowser's shell. A _hard_ nudge.

"I guess it's probably something to do with violence…" Zelda said, trying to remember all the events on the list.

"Geez, they are _all_ violent, even Chu Chu Rocket which sometimes involves mice getting eaten by cats or getting blown up…" Captain Falcon piped up.

"Even your precious F-Zero Racing? And DDR and SingStar?" Donkey Kong flipped the Captain off.

"Shit, they've got F-Zero Racing on there? God, I've forgotten how to race those things…" Captain Falcon grumbled.

"Mr. Forgetful, number two..." Popo commented impulsively, and was smacked onto the floor for the third time. This time, he decided to stay down.

Meanwhile, Pikachu and Link were more interested in a couple of other topics…

"Pokemon Colosseum? I have to _command _Pokemon, when I'm supposed to be one of them fighting? Things have changed since the Hand made me leave Ash to come here…" Pikachu sighed, shaking his head like many of the other Smashers had in the last hour.

"And Four Swords? I went through all that crap fighting four copies of myself with a load of other monsters that could kill me in an instant, and I have to do that all again?"

Link had calmed down since last night, but he still managed to sound pretty angry at the fact that all the work he had managed to do had just gone down the drain.

"Dude, it's a game. Re-something or whatever that guy is probably stays dead, and Master Hand simply makes a virtual image for us to fight. Or something." Pikachu replied, though he didn't sound too sure.

"He better. I spent so many Rupees trying to bribe someone to give me about fifty heart potions just to keep me alive for that battle!"

However, it didn't matter too soon afterwards, as all the Smashers were called to make their way to the dining room, a bit like…Big Brother. Shivers. Fortunately, Master Hand was there, and not away hidden making spooky Big Brother voices.

"Okay, now, Smashers, here, I've got a Power-Pill-Of-Alternate-Dimensional-Transportation or a PPOADT or best known as Toad's Pee-Pee…" he smirked, pulling out a large white pill, which resembled the things that Pacman ate. Peach made a special point on that:

"Isn't that what Pacman used to turn those ghosts blue?" she asked.

"No, those things are drugs…" Master Hand corrected her.

"Oh."

On a completely different alternate universe, a large yellow ball sat on his couch, with an almost-identical yellow ball only decorated with lipstick and a ribbon sitting next to him. As they watched "Jeopardy-Pacman style", a light-blue blob moved into the room.

"Pacman, we've received word that Master Hand, some almighty hand from another dimension of a parallel range, says that you get the power to eat us by using drugs…" the blob reported.

"Of course I do! Look!" Pacman replied, and he took a white pill from somewhere 'in' his pixellated skin, and swallowed it. The light-blue ghost suddenly turned blue.

"Woah…everything feels so…significant...I haven't felt so…far-out…since that 256th split-screen level!" the ghost spluttered, his eyes rolling around in all directions.

Pacman got really pissed at this comment; he was quite touchy about his continued failures at passing the 256th level, since he seemed to freeze up every time he went in a place that he thought he was allowed to go in, and get eaten up by ghosts.

"Now, Speedy, don't tell anyone about my secret, or I'll eat you…literally!" he threatened.

"But I'll just respaw-"

"Shut up! Got any other news?"

"Yeah, well, Master Hand did say he was organising a tournament which involved a certain game of Pacman…" Speedy muttered.

"Pacman, ayyyy?" Pacman smiled.

"So what have you got in mind with that? Remember the time you ate that pretzel in Level 5, and nearly choked, like George W. Bush? Don't try that sort of thing either! Hah!" Speedy whistled out of the room, hooting with laughter.

"Bastard." Pacman snarled, remembering how he had tried to eat the pretzel too quickly while trying to level up at speed towards the infamous split-screen.

"So, what are you thinking of, dear?" Ms. Pacman asked her husband, having listened to the conversation carefully the whole time.

"I'm just thinking of paying Master Hand a visit. I can travel to his SSBM dimension, and then we can talk about what's going on with his Pacman…"

"Now, honey, are you sure? You should, you know, relax and don't do it, and take some fewer drugs in that case, too. Have you remembered what happened when you entered the Special Cup in Mario Kart DS? You ended up "falling" off Rainbow Road…" Ms. Pacman reminded him, shaking her head.

"I promise that won't happen. Anyway, don't you remember how we met? Chased by four ghosts in both directions? You loved danger back then, didn't you?"

"And I still like danger now…" Ms. Pacman beamed, and she jumped onto Pacman.

"Ow! Ow! That hurts! Crap!" Pacman yelled.

(And now, we should leave this scene for a while, while Ms. Pacman does some "inappropriate" things to Mr. Pacman…)

"Okay, so we've got Toad's Pee-Pee, we should probably head off to our little alternate dimension." Master Hand said, holding the pill in his hand.

"Master Hand, the name just kills me inside. I mean, it _is_ just plain bad. Like something out of Pokemon game hacks." Mario held his stomach in agony.

"Shut up. I was drunk, or something. Or maybe simply because it makes the anagram 'Toad's PP'" Master Hand grumbled.

"Ah hah! So you were lying all along from the start!" Wario shouted triumphantly.

Master Hand ignored his sarcastic remark, and he swallowed the pill. Suddenly, the Smashers were encircled by…a circle, and things immediately started to get less… illustrated.

When everything had returned to normal, or so it seemed, the Smashers found themselves in a massive arena. Bricks, warp-pools, tunnels and conveyor belts were scattered all over the place, and suddenly, it came to Mewtwo's head.

"Bomberman! Master Hand, you psycho!" he yelled, aiming a ray of psychic energy at the giant hand (or more precisely, Psybeam).

Master Hand lazily pushed it off.

"Now, each and every one of you has no attacks for this competition. All you have is an infinite supply of bombs. You can pull the pin, and set them, and they blow up after five seconds, plenty of time to get away. When it blows up, another bomb will appear in your pocket. If you get bomb pickups, the number of bombs in your pocket increases. And so with power-ups, and you can find them as you blast down walls with bombs. If you hit anyone with your bomb blast, they die, and they become spectators on the side of the arena, throwing bombs at others to cause annoyance and elimination."

"Also, for those who know, the only disease problem that we will have is the skulls: no devils or such. No sandals or super gloves either and no revenge for spectators, so suck on that."

For the next couple of minutes, Master Hand explained the rules of the classic game made famous through Nintendo…and others. Then, he led the Smashers into a room just from the entrance of the arena, where suits were placed all around the place. Each of the Smashers moved towards one, and there were a few groans of complaint from the larger characters, such as DK.

"Does this make me look fat?" he asked, gasping inside the suit.

"You are fat, fatass." Popo smiled.

Then, the Ice Climber realised his mistake, and he whispered to himself:

"Oh shit."

DK justified his fear by punching him in the face. Popo toppled over, as did DK's suit.

"Doh!" he cursed, but luckily, Master Hand returned with suits of a larger size for the bigger characters, or as Popo referred to, as the "Mr. Fats", and they fitted into them gleefully.

"All right now, I'll teleport everyone onto random spots on the edge of the grid, and the round will start in ten once you get into the arena. You shouldn't worry about that, since you won't be able to move until then." Master Hand called over the room with his disfigured voice.

Suddenly, there were flashes of light all over the area, and when everything was clear again; all the Smashers were gone, inside the arena. Although there still was one more comment from Kirby that was heard all over:

"Do I look gay in this outfit?"

Within ten seconds, the Toad's 'PP' (He HAS to think of a better name!) Tournament had started, with each Smasher equipped with a bomb which was activated instantly when dropped on the ground. For the first minute or so, there was nothing but a series of bomb blasts which shattered down walls. No Head-To-Head battles involving any Smashers yet. That was until everyone in the close vicinity of Roy heard him scream.

"AHHH! CRAP! DIAHORREA SKULL! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" he yelled, panicking hard.

All the Smashers nearby fled in terror, as Roy came around a corner while leaving a trail of bombs behind every few seconds. They exploded behind him in a ferocious manner, blowing up walls, but somehow, not touching anyone. That was until Ganondorf, turning around a blind corner, found himself standing in the range of a bomb as it was about to blow up. That was the first man down. Luckily for Roy (and many others), his diahorrea skull ran out, and he survived, at least for now.

But soon, there was another double beep, as it seemed that Ness had managed to cleverly trap both Link and Zelda in a dead end, and reduced the number of competitors to 21. Bomb blasts continued to rock through the arena, and yet another Smasher was exterminated; this time, through Samus leaving a bomb next to a moon warp that Falco was coming through by. However, she went not too long afterwards after slipping and then sliding across a bit of the ice hockey rink straight into the path of a bomb.

By now, a few of the Smashers were really getting into the game, and were stringing together some nice moves. Mario had grabbed a load of bomb and increased-range pickups, and was causing some trouble by leaving a series of bombs behind, causing explosions to range out randomly. Samus managed to connect nicely with Link to trap Malon, and 19 was the number.

Suddenly, this caused an explosion of conflict, and the bomb explosions and cries of battle doubled in frequency. Although the arena was still huge in size, the walls were taking a hammering, and within five minutes of frantic dodging, running, and dropping, about half of the walls were cleared up, with four more competitors joining the five who were already spectators on the side. 15 remained, and they were all the higher-skilled ones-even Kirby was getting into the combat attitude, whisking in and out of the place, dropping bombs and collecting pickups. Well, not really the higher-skilled, as shown when Popo and Nana both managed to trap themselves in their panic to drop a bomb when they spotted each other. This time, it was Donkey Kong's turn to mock Popo with a rather unoriginal "Mr. Idiot." Popo made sure he knew about the poor quality, by calling him fat again, and even though that insult proved to be even less offending, DK didn't appreciate the comment on his size, and lunged at Popo.

Unfortunately, he managed to forget that he was on a spectator podium, and instead, he just managed to slide straight across to the other side. Popo noticed this as well, and decided to take advantage of DK's wrath. He poked his tongue out at DK, and the huge monkey immediately gave chase. But since both spectator pods travelled at the same speed, DK just couldn't touch Popo, and the Ice Climber worsened it by yelling insulting comments as he was pursued. Eventually, Master Hand had to step in by threatening to drop green Koopa shells on the two of them. DK, knowing the pain of that, quickly stopped, but Popo continued mocking him, until Master Hand informed him that he also had a possibly-better alternative, which involved shoving him in the fire pit for four hours. He shut up quickly too, and they went back to the game, with DK glaring furiously at Popo.

And speaking of the battling, during the time of the feud, three more characters had fallen, leaving only ten left, and it was time for the time limit of ten minutes to be put in place. The ten remaining included the three plumbers, the F-Zero Champion, Fox, Pikachu, Ness, the two _Fire Emblem_ swordsmen, and Kirby, the rather innocuous pink ball who had proved to be quite tough on the battlefield. But _only_ on the battlefield, as the events of the last two days had shown.

Marth and Roy were naturally annoyed at Kirby getting into their snack pile, and although they didn't really care about what had happened, they were still a bit eager to gain some revenge on Kirby. So after meeting in the maze, they decided to team up on Kirby, and it almost worked. Unfortunately (for them), Kirby had the Kick ability, along with the Throw ability, so he managed to throw away both of Roy's bombs from one side, and escape yet again. One of those bombs landed behind Ness, and he was blown away.

Fox was the next person to join the pile of spectators, as a result of a clever trick by Pikachu. The electric Pokemon had been pretty quiet through the fighting, mainly because his bombs were short-ranged, but he was fast, and he decided to use both the strength, and the weakness. He deliberately trapped himself in a long passage, and Fox, coming past, thinking that Pikachu had been trapped, headed off. When the bomb exploded, Pikachu quickly sped off in pursuit of Fox, and managed to find him planting a bomb against the wall. Quickly, the Pokemon dropped his own bomb, sealing off the short passage, and slipped away before Fox knew what had hit him. The last thing the commander saw was a bomb exploding as he turned around…

Marth managed to remove Luigi from the arena with a clever piece of bombing work; he kicked a bomb, and a couple of curvages changed the bomb's direction, into the path of the green Mario Brother. Wario sent his 'cousin' out through a bomb which was carried by the fast-moving conveyor belt, and exploded into Mario, who was taking cover from his own dropped bomb intended for Roy. Four were still left. Marth blew himself up trying to be clever with the changes of path again; the bomb he aimed was turned back at him, and blew up before he could move.

Suddenly, Wario, Pikachu, and Kirby were on the spot for the maximum early points in the first round. The other Smashers were still constantly tossing bombs from the side, but they didn't do much considering their short range and the huge size of the arena. Even saying so, about fifteen bombs being tossed every few seconds was pretty annoying for anyone lurking on edges, although those right on the side were safe from being hit. But that just wouldn't work, as the time limit had slipped to below three minutes and someone had to go really aggressively to attain victory.

Kirby triumphed in the end, although with plenty of luck. The three had crowded around, all deciding to go for the aggression, and were dropping bombs freely, while also kicking and throwing them away frantically along with it. Pikachu showed every ounce of his natural agility that came from being a 'lighting mouse' (hah, get it? Lightning Mouse!), Wario displayed amazing mobility for someone of his bulk, and Kirby used his small build to dodge bombs blasts. Finally, Pikachu was ousted first, as Kirby's thrown bomb smacked him in the face, stunning him for a second, and forced his dodge too late for him to dodge Wario's bomb which had been placed seconds before. Then, Kirby got the first attack sequence on Wario, placing six bombs in random sections around Wario, and the big man just couldn't hold up with the patterns. Game over it was, and a…perfect start for the fluffy, pink ball with the instant metabolism.

As all the spectators were teleported out of the arena, back to the SSBM Mansion, everyone was puffing from the exertion of putting through the exhausting battles. Kirby was congratulated by just about everyone, even Link, and Master Hand clicked his fingers to gain everyone's attention.

"Well, good work, Kirby, and well done, everyone else for the nice Bomberman work. Kirby, you'll go on a little virtual fishing trip to go grab your trophy for this event…" Master Hand sounded mischievous at this thought, and he clicked his fingers. Suddenly, a white-clad figure appeared before them, lazily chewing a Mars Bar, while holding what looked like a remote-controlled bomb.

"Well, everyone, this is Bomberman himself. He'll be taking Kirby fishing for his trophy, Bomberman style!" Master Hand announced.

Everyone else grinned. Kirby, looking pretty flustered, walked over to Bomberman, who smirked, and took one last bite of the Mars Bar, before shoving it into his pack.

"Hey, dude, looks like you need a bit of coaching on how to do fishing. Master Hand, teleport us to the fishing place, then I can teach him." Bomberman said.

Master Hand clicked his fingers again, and the two disappeared, replaced by a large video screen, which showed Kirby and Bomberman sitting in a boat, with both clutching large fishing-rods.

"All right now, Kirby, the first thing for you to do, is set power on your cast. You can only cast once, so make sure you get it right. The next thing, is to simply hang your line over the water, and move it about, hope that you get something, eh?" Bomberman smiled, and gestured.

Kirby groaned, and he slowly pulled his line back, before tossing it into the water. Everyone in the room cheered as they watched the video screen, which was now following the path of the fishing line, controlled obliviously by Kirby. Golden trophies in the shapes of pickups such as Kick-Boots and Speed-Wagons floated about, but with them, were also large boxes with 'X' marked on them. All the Smashers grew silent as the fishing line slowly made its way towards the floor of the water, and grabbed onto one of the 'X' boxes, before pulling it up.

"Okay, now pull!" Bomberman shouted.

Kirby pulled the line upwards, eager to see what he had managed to snatch. He wished that he hadn't. The moment the box exited the water, it flew out of the line's 'grasp', and smacked Kirby in the face, before dropping back down into the water. The Smashers roared with laughter, and Kirby was left lying down, nursing the wound in the middle of his face. Meanwhile, Bomberman had lazily cast his own line, and had fished up the rare Golden Bomb trophy, which he held to display on the video screen with the traditional Anime Smile pose that was met with each successful catch by each winner of a Bomberman tournament. Then, he passed it over to Kirby, who was still lying on the ground.

"Here, little fella, have it, I've got enough back for display at my house."

The only reply he got back was:

"Nrrgh…"


	4. Thrills, Kills And A Whole Lotta Laughs?

Despite Kirby's state of…agony, the two were quickly teleported back to the mansion, with Kirby using one tiny hand to hold his trophy, and the other to nurse his wound. It was already swelling up quite alarmingly, but some of Master Hand's….magical….mystery juice would probably be able to clear it up. The giant hand "shook" his hand with Bomberman (by 'shook', he extended one finger and let Bomberman shake it as vigorously as he could), and he presented him with a new type of 'bomb', in the shape of a green Koopa shell.

"Now, Bomberman, you need a ride back to your dimension?" Master Hand asked.

"Nah, no thanks, I'm catching a ride back on my Karabon. See you guys around someday!" Bomberman shouted at the watching Smashers, holding his Koopa shell in one hand, before a large Pokemon-like object appeared and whisked him away.

"All right, now, all of you, you have half an hour's rest before the next event. Use it well, some of you may not want to know what is in store next!" Master Hand smirked in his invisible manner, before he disappeared into thin air; probably back into his private room.

As soon as he vanished, the room erupted into chatter, with most Smashers quite stunned at what had just happened in the last half-hour.

"God, was that amazing or what?" Mario asked Kirby, who was still groaning.

"Yeah, it was pretty cool. And I've got a shiny new trophy…and a shiny new bruise to the face." Kirby muttered, though he _did_ look pleased at the golden bomb that reflected his image back at him.

Meanwhile, Donkey Kong had better things to do…

"You. Are. So. Dead…" he growled at Popo, who was pretending that he wasn't listening.

"Whatever." Popo replied, keeping his head down so DK couldn't see him trying not to laugh.

Donkey Kong went to punch him, but Popo was expecting it, having been struck four times already during the day. He sidestepped the swing, and took off. Donkey Kong gave chase, but he was struck by a…stray…Koopa Shell. He screamed in pain, and collapsed on the floor, yelling at the roof:

"Screw you, Master Hand!"

"Take that, bi-uh….female dog!" Master Hand's voice echoed back at him.

Eventually, the two settled down again, and they began to immerse themselves with others in the conversation of what had just happened, and what they thought might happen.

"Well, I never really played much Bomberman, but it was mildly amusing, I guess." Samus said to Malon, who was combing her hair.

"Thank god I survived that Diahorrea Skull….those things are darn awful!" Roy admonished as he chatted with Mewtwo.

"Using psychic power in the maze would have made things so much easier…" Mewtwo said, shaking his head.

The thirty-minute rest passed quickly as a result of the excitement that had been caused from the event, and Master Hand soon appeared to take everyone to their next destination…a real-life living room?

"Master Hand, what the hell are we doing here?" Samus queried, not looking pleased.

"Relax, it's SingStar."

There was silence for a moment, followed quickly by both Ganondorf and DK crashing to the floor. Master Hand woke them by giving them hard nudges with a finger, which did well, considering he could choose to have an electric touch…

"Well, now that everyone's up and ready, here's the rules: you can choose short or standard song length, you can pick from anything on the SingStar games, and songs are categorized into Normal, and Difficult: Difficult songs are a 1.5x bonus. Oh, and the Difficulty will be on Easy, so be pleased with yourself there. The game picks you the song, but you have three shuffle tokens to use as well, so randomize until you…choose something that sounds the best for you."

"The order will be from back-to-front, so, the first performer is Ganondorf, since you were eliminated first in Bomberman." Master Hand said, and everyone roared with laughter.

"Oh shit." Ganondorf whispered, as he stepped forward, and took the microphone.

Master Hand fiddled with the game for a minute or so and somehow managed to add a "TPP Challenge Mode" with the menu screen. A nifty leaderboard was opened when this new mode was chosen, and each of the Smashers' names was displayed on the board, in order of whoever would be performing.

"God, how do you do that?" Ness whined, exasperated that Master Hand was able to achieve game hacking without having to spent countless hours.

"I have skills. Unlike you." Master Hand replied jokingly, and moved to the back as Ganondorf looked at the song screen. He had a pick of choosing songs from each of the games, ranging from Normal, to Anthems. Eventually, he decided to go for "All" songs from the games, and awaited for the song to be picked. Finally, "Tutti Frutti" rolled up on the screen for him, and Peach giggled.

"Please don't do this…" Zelda muttered, shivering at what the result could be.

Ganondorf picked the song, and the Smashers who had heard and sung the song on the game all had to hold a cry of….despair…or something.

"Get me some temporary anti-laughing powder…" Wario said, gritting his teeth tightly, but he couldn't control himself. He fell about laughing, and was soon joined by Falco and Krystal as Ganondorf started the song.

By halfway through, Ganondorf was looking dangerously at not even breaking the 1000 barrier. He had missed most of the notes in the first section, shocked by the speed that he had to sing to "Tutti Frutti", and had only managed 450, as a result of humming on a single note. With everyone laughing, nobody noticed. In the second part, Ganondorf finally managed to keep up with the pace, and got a few lucky guesses on note pitches, and he managed to end up with 1425, and that was even with the 1.5x multiplier.

Link was next, and despite what he said about having no singing voice, he had quietly acquired a reasonable voice from singing (or humming) along to stuff on his iPod and watching MTV for countless hours. Picking a combination of "Rock" and "Pop", 'Speed of Sound' showed up for him, and he eased through it smoothly, hitting some nice golden notes in the chorus of the song. He eventually ended up with 8670…six times more than Ganondorf's score. Sad, but true.

Zelda came after Link, and once again, she went for the Pop songs, and got 'What's My Age Again' and the hilarious video-making antics of Blink-182. Being a big fan of such pop-punk rock bands, no matter if they were declared emo or not, she performed even better than Link, hitting most of the notes perfectly, to break 9000 and pretty much post a catch-me-if-you-can type of score of 9790 on the leader-board and put her in pole position to take the 24 points for the event.

Falco was the fourth to perform, and he decided to go pretty easy-going, without any real care for his score. He picked SingStar Anthems, and used a couple of shuffle tokens to land on Cher's 'If I Could Turn Back Time'.

"Sing it! Sing It! Sing It!" came the chant.

Falco shouted back, grinning:

"I'll only sing it if everyone sings along!"

"I'm in!" everyone yelled back.

Falco, smirking, picked the song, to wild applause. He turned away from the screen, and by looking at it with the corner of his eyes, made it look like he was singing it off by heart. Everyone followed him as well, even Donkey Kong and Bowser, and nobody bothered noticing that he was progressing slowly, and was even in danger of getting lower than Ganondorf's score. But he didn't care, as this was all about the singing. Sort of.

"Pity they didn't have 'Rock Me Amadeus' in the game!" called Bowser as everyone cheered Falco who was diving back onto the couch.

"Yeah, it goes well together with you, considering that it was made by an artist of the same name!" Fox jeered.

"Who was a money-making player who ain't with us no more ever since he failed to see that tree coming!" added Marth, getting in on the act…

"You've been listening to the Bloodhound Gang again, haven't you?" Roy asked, shaking his head.

"Sort of. And searching 'Falco' up on Wikipedia…" Marth admitted.

"Wait, so did you search for me, or were you actually searching for the German guy?" Falco asked.

"Both, I guess. I was searching you up on the personal laptop we had at our camp back in the Fire Emblem dimension, when we ran into some trouble with skeletons, but then I found 'Falco, the German pop artist', and yeah…"

"Rocker or pop artist?"

"Rocker. Shut up!"

"Idiot." Popo said, yet again adding to the conversation with his own unique way.

Roy bashed him over the head with his sword softly, but hard enough to send him flying onto the carpet.

Master Hand quickly stepped into the growing conversation, and it was back to business, with Samus up. Naturally, being cheap, she picked the easy pop songs, and even though she got three crappy shuffles (according to her), singing Ashlee Simpson wasn't too bad for her, and she popped up with 8220. Malon was next, and she bravely went for a song which was had a ridiculously high melody, ending with 5610, which was a pretty decent effort.

Everyone jeered Donkey Kong as he took the microphone. He waited patiently for the song name to pop up, and up it came: "Destiny's Child – Survivor".

In the same way as it did when Ganondorf had kicked things off, the room exploded…with laughter. DK's face turned red, and he shrugged, sighing silently. As did was the case with Ganondorf, he knocked up a Tone Deaf rating of 1515. He had something positive to take out of it though. He and Ganondorf had bet over who would get the higher score, and since he had managed 90 more, Ganondorf grudgingly handed over the promised 50 Rupees/1000 Poke/100 coins.

And so the contest continued, with a series of average scores, ranging from around 7000s to the 2430 by Bowser, who boasted about that to his two reluctant-villain friends. Peach and Krystal both went over 7000 with impressive performances of Alicia Keys and Duran Duran respectively. Ness performed a very good rendition of Keane's "Somewhere Only We Know" to score 8560, and as a laugh, Mario and Luigi requested to Master Hand if they could duet to the Veronicas, with hilarity resulting as they both popped up with scores in the 4000s, with the latter being the higher scorer. Marth sang "Complicated" to his two best friends' jeers, until he reminded them that they watched as much MTV as he did, and that he had outscored Link.

And suddenly, it was down to the last five people, and it was ALMOST competitive, especially after some terrible showings during the time. Captain Falcon lazily sang Hoobastank's "The Reason" and scored 7880, Roy got a lucky shuffle and went over 9k with Good Charlotte, Pikachu almost smashed his microphone when he got three dodgy shuffles which were all low-note songs and struggled to 5450, and Wario got Blu Cantrell and stumbled to 4220, outwitted by the speed of the lyrics.

And so it came down to the last singer, Kirby, who had been sitting around the place waiting for his turn. He grumpily pulled himself off his seat, and took the microphone which Wario gave him. For the first time during the competition, he picked a selection from 80s music. Unfortunately for those hoping for it, Madonna's "Like a Virgin" did not come up, but he got 'Eye of The Tiger' instead. Everyone cheered loudly as he selected it, and they sang it with him, giving up a total of 6750 to wrap up the contest.

And so everyone gathered around Master Hand, puffing from all the singing, cheering and laughing during the contest, as he pulled out the leaderboard. Zelda had come out on top as a result of her near-perfect rendition of blink-182, with Roy 2nd and Link 3rd.

"Okay and now for the presentation is the guy from the 'Take on Me' music video!" Master Hand 'grinned'.

"Aww man!" the Smashers yelled, remembering the shifty music video with the seemingly hand-drawn objects.

Master Hand smirked.

"Just kidding. I present to you…the random cover girl from SingStar Original!" Master Hand exclaimed loudly, as the girl walked out to them.

"So, yeah…I'm supposed to present this golden microphone to…Zel-da?" she asked, holding up the trophy and waiting patiently as the Hyrule princess came up to receive her prize.

"Yes. And for coming here for this short ceremony, you get a diamond ring and a SingStar pack courtesy of our friends at Sony, Michael Hill's and all of us-"he explained, but DK cut him off.

"Master Hand, this isn't Wheel of Fortune. Let's just say you get some shiny bling-bling…not that fake plastic stuff from Mattel and a nice silver PS2 with all the SingStar games…" DK said, ignoring Master Hand's displeased muttering.

After the SingStar girl had left, Master Hand put up the TPP scores after two rounds. Roy had gained a nice little break at 44, with Marth off by 3 and Kirby on 39. Ganondorf was last on 2, after getting wooden spoons from the first two events.

"All right, you guys, lunch has been set up. Scotch fillet and chocolate mousse-unlimited helpings again, but don't stuff yourself too much. You guys have a bit of 'blasting' to do after you finish eating." Master Hand chuckled, and he whisked them back to the dining room, disappearing as they got there.

Even as he appeared in his own function room, Master Hand was pleased-the competition was taking everyone's minds off belting each other up. Now all he needed to do was to ensure nobody exploded in anger during the tournament, otherwise it would be costing much.


	5. And The Moral Is: Don't Camp!

After the last bites of the mousse had been finished off, Master Hand appeared and whisked them off again with his magical white pill, this time to a strange-looking map. Metal structures covered the place, and at a far part of the map, there seemed to be some strange flying machine parked there.

It didn't take long for someone to figure out where they were, namely Samus.

"Halo 2…" she said firmly, not looking too impressed.

"With the original Halo's physics engine and weapons." Master Hand replied.

"So what, we're supposed to shoot each other up over here?" asked Candy.

"Yes. Slayer Pro, that means you need 25 kills to get the win. All weapons are on the map. Everyone spawns with an Assault Rifle, Pistol and Grenades. You can dual-wield Plasma Rifles, Needlers and Plasma Pistols but not the M6D pistols-that makes them too overpowered. Launchers are not as powered, but have lock-on. Campers will be shot…seriously. The tie-breaker will be decided on deaths, and then medals, but we shouldn't need to worry about that. Oh, and kills will be displayed in a Soldat/CS fashion, i.e. X killed Y with a rocket launcher."

"Uh, Hand, shouldn't you give us a little rundown over the weapons instead of leaving us in the dark?" asked Fox, scratching his head.

"And dual-wielding Halo 1 Needlers and Plasma Rifles make them overpowered as well…" added Roy, always the Halo master having played it quite constantly back at the mansion.

"Shut up, Roy!" mumbled Master Hand and Roy smirked.

Master Hand snapped his fingers again and suddenly, a TV popped out, and demonstrated each of the uses for the Halo weaponry, ranging from the "overpowered pistol which can kill in three headshots" to the "almost-as-overpowered one-hit KO rocket launcher" to the "not-so-overpowered Plasma Pistol which nevertheless was useful to go with" and the "Assault-Rifle-which-is-almost-as-useless-as-its-Halo-2-think-happy-thoughts-counterpart. After around twenty minutes, the clip ended and Master Hand removed the plasma-screen TV, and in its place, came a stack of Spartan suits, luckily in different sizes and in different colours as well. Pope, for once, didn't add with another insult, and Master Hand teleported them around the Ascension map, and Round 3 was underway.

The early parts of the game were dominated by the more experienced players of the game such as Roy, Falco and Samus. Roy had opened with a series of aggressive headshots from his pistol, while Samus racked up some easy close-range kills with her shotgun. After a few minutes, they had drawn ahead to 8 kills each, two higher than Falco who was three higher than the four people tied on 3 kills.

However, soon, a few others began to pull themselves in as a threat. Ganondorf, after two wooden spoons to kick things off, was starting to aim well with his plasma weapons, and Mewtwo, even with his psychic powers blocked, was throwing grenades well and got a fine headshot with the sniper on Roy, who had been ducking up and down behind cover while looking for enemies to pick off. Zelda was also working things over nicely with her pistol, almost in a way similar to Princess Leia's style with her sporting blaster. Master Hand, bored at being in free-view, decided to change to first-person camera…

Fox:

Fox reloaded the clip on his pistol, and headed across the metal structure. He spotted a target ahead of him, and they both fired at each other at the same time. Fox shot first, and was more accurate, getting in a few quick headshots to get the kill, despite the loss of a couple of health bars. As he reloaded again though, he was promptly bashed in the back by Luigi, and the Assassination medal appeared above his head…

Luigi:

The green plumber automatically picked up the clips that had been dropped from Fox's pistol, and switched to his plasma pistol. Not fast enough. He was shot at from behind by a rocket launcher, and blown high into the air…

Falco:

Falco aimed a couple of bursts at the person the level above him, and tossed a couple of grenades up in their general direction, jumping and dodging out of the way of the fire. As the grenade exploded, a kill was credited to his name, bringing his total to 8. He quickly viewed the score, and saw that he was three kills behind Roy, who had squeezed to the top. Scavenging the weapons that had been dropped by the Spartan corpse of Bowser, he took the sniper rifle which had four bullets left in it, and zoomed up and in. he could see a character making a move for the Banshee. He pressed the trigger, gave the opponent the facial, and was given his ninth kill. But before he could hit the next person who was moving towards it, he was smashed from behind, totally unaware that Kirby had snuck up on him…

Krystal:

Krystal jumped into the unfamiliar flying vehicle, otherwise known as the Banshee. She took a few moments to figure out the controls, but settled in nicely-she soon figured out how to steer, and put the Banshee through a couple of spins. After getting a feel for the Banshee's dual plasma cannons, she veered down low, to look for a target. After finding one, she got a nice little straight behind them, and in typical star-pilot fashion, nailed the target with a hail of plasma. As an instinctive move, she loop-the-looped and then barrel-rolled back upwards to dodge any possible fire. She quickly lined up her next target, but as she fried the person, a rocket flew from the sky and blew her Banshee into bits…

Malon:

Malon had fired the rocket, which had surprised her that she had managed to hit the aerial target, as she didn't quite know about the launcher's lock-on ability. She turned around, and looked for any other hostilities. One came, and was met by another rocket. Then another one came, and eliminated her as she was reloading…

Nana:

Nana picked up the rocket launcher, with two rockets left. She didn't have much time to use it, as she was taken out by a shot in the head from a sniper rifle…

Captain Falcon:

Captain Falcon drew away from Nana's body, and searched for someone else. Gazing around from his hiding spot, he spotted Marth jumping around, shooting at Popo. He aimed carefully, and picked off Popo with another headshot. He aimed again, at the still-jumping Marth who was aware of a sniper's presence, and got him through the top of the head. But before he could continue, he was suddenly struck by…a bolt of lightning. The message appeared above him: "You have been pwnz0red by the Hand!"

"Screw you, Master Hand!" he yelled.

"That's for being a camper! Now go suck on your two deducted kills from your total!" Master Hand fired back…

Master Hand:

The giant Hand yawned. Roy was still holding steady in the lead, at 15, and needed ten more to win. Falco had snuck up on Samus and they were level on 13 kills, and Ganondorf was eager to get points up, and was on 12. Then, there was a pack of three people on 11, and Ness was struggling on three kills.

"Guess he's not used to using guns and real weapons…especially after all that time wielding baseball bats and slingshots…kind of like that Jiminy Cricket guy…from Cat In The Hat…" he mumbled.

Captain Falcon, who was still in a non-corporeal state after having been killed off for twenty seconds, flatly corrected him.

"Jimmy Hopkins. Dog Eat Dog."

"Shut up and get back into the arena." Master Hand snarled, teleporting Captain Falcon back five seconds before he was supposed to. He was really getting annoyed at being outwitted by the Smashers.

The F-Zero Racer grinned.

Master Hand grumbled and clicked to another player…

Samus:

Samus drew back, reloading her two Needlers as she did so. Rifle fire blew past her, and she waited for her shields to recharge before moving back into the open again. She was in the small structure with ramps leading out in the front, and Wario had come up those stairs, still eagerly giving chase. Samus was ready though, and gave Wario a faceful of needles, blowing him up. Kill number 15, but Roy was galloping away now, at 19, so Samus decided that second would be another good result. But then again, Roy was absolutely powering away with the contest at the moment, and at 44, he really needed to be stopped if anyone else was going to have a chance of catching up.

The bounty hunter produced another kill with her Needlers before she got too close to Ganondorf holding a shotgun. Unfortunately, she didn't have the Morph Ball…

Ganondorf:

Ganondorf watched as his counter went to 15, and then cursed as Roy got number 20 and 21 with his grenades. He checked the ammo left in his shotgun. Twenty shells, plenty considering the average lifespan in a 24-player Halo 2. He spotted Kirby coming in from his left, and jumping out of the way, he pumped off one round, then another. However, Kirby had a plasma rifle, and managed to reduce his shield and drop a frag grenade before he was killed off, and Ganondorf was promptly blown into the air moments after he was credited the kill.

Kirby:

Kirby respawned with the customary Pistol and Assault Rifle, and seeing that Candy was near the respawn point, started firing almost immediately. And so he showed the power of the pistol, and five well-placed shots dropped Candy. He headed up, and tossed two grenades at the battling Link and Ness. Link killed Ness just before the grenade exploded; taking out his shield, and Kirby wiped him off with the Pistol. As he did so, Roy shot up to 22, and Samus got up to 18 as a result of a double kill coming from a plasma rifle, then a plasma grenade.

He suddenly realised he was getting squirted at by plasma from above, and he immediately started jumping and strafing. The Banshee, pilot by Popo, swooped down at him, and Kirby got a good long burst of assault rifle at him, steadily reducing the Banshee into a smoking heap. However, Popo had done the same, and had fried him steadily with the Banshee by the time it blew up. Unfortunately for Kirby, the destroyed Banshee swooped down, and crashed…on him. Amusingly, the message showed a reasonably accurate picture of a Banshee next to Kirby.

Roy's kill count rolled to 23.

Popo:

Popo had respawned into a big firefight. He got one shot in, before he got rocketed. Ja, das ist sehr cool, nein? The kill was given to Pikachu.

Pikachu:

Pikachu fired another rocket, and then jumped about while reloading. That rocket hit Bowser in the head. Although Pikachu did well to dodge the fire as he waited for a rocket to appear, he was stuck by Marth. Cursing, he counted to two, before he charged at the nearest person, firing a rocket to his left as he did so. The two resulting explosions cleared up most of the crowd, and gave Pikachu a triple-kill, taking him to 14.

Marth:

Marth respawned just as Roy crept up to 24. He immediately saw how he had earned the frag, by bashing up Link. He decided to ambush him with his pistol and grenades, but he didn't assess him properly, and didn't notice the shotgun. Roy finished things off as he started, and that was convincingly…

Soon, everyone had been teleported back to the mansion, back in their clothes and out of the Spartan suits, to the relief of a few. Master Hand pulled up the scoreboard, and no real surprises to start with Roy at 25, and Samus getting 21. Falco had come in at 18, and nobody had made any real moving from the early stages. Ness was last on 10.

"Right, so now, we have the presentation. Don't be surprised-naturally, we have Master Chief i.e. John i.e. Spartan 117 presenting the trophy…a gold version of the Halo ring…" Master Hand said.

Roy groaned loudly. Master Hand smiled…somehow.

"Kidding. You get a gold grenade trophy." Master Chief said, appearing from nowhere.

"Damn you, Hand." Roy replied, before grinningly accepting his trophy from the Spartan.

"Whatever."

Master Hand presented John with a plasma sword and a delightful ham, before teleporting him back to the Halo universe. Then, he pulled up the official scores, and unsurprisingly, Roy was still ahead, shooting ahead with a 9-point gap.

"You guys can have some rest, but the next event will require a lot of physical fitness, so don't slack and eat too much…KIRBY!"

And with that, Master Hand disappeared.

"Asshole." Captain Falcon mumbled.


	6. Life's A Swish

**A/N: **So, we've got a chapter structured around a good old basketball tournament. Do not question me about why DK can't dunk, or rip down the rim, why Pikachu can even bounce the ball, and why Kirby is able to shoot at all. It's just a game, you may as well ask how Link can produce so many bombs that he gets from nowhere.

"Foul!" roared Fox angrily as he bumped hard with Falco while driving hard in towards the basket.

"Hardly." Falco mumbled, as he picked himself up, snatched the ball, and headed back out to the perimeter.

Captain Falcon smirked as Falco spun past Fox, but went too close to the basket. He recovered though, and went under and around for a sleek reverse lay-up.

"Fluke." Fox muttered.

"Nothing but skill." Falco replied, grabbing the ball again.

"Nice shot, Falco, but it was a fluke," came a voice behind them that made the three Smashers jump.

"Hand, do you have to sneak up on us like that?" groaned Fox.

"Yes."

Fox shook his head.

"Hey, give me a shot." Master Hand said, pointing at the basketball.

"One only." Falco said, tossing the ball to the giant hand.

"Bulldust. Refund!" Master Hand yelled, as he sank the ball through the hoop from his one hand with a lazy swish.

Falco grumpily passed him the ball, and watched him make a couple more three-pointers.

"Master Hand, why don't you just go play in the NBA, you bastard?" asked Captain Falcon, shaking his head in disbelief as the fifth three-pointer tipped in.

The Hand shrugged, and banked in his sixth. At eight, he stopped and threw it back to the Captain.

"Better let you guys get back to practice. You'll need it. Anyway, next event's at ten-sharp tomorrow so don't be late!" Master Hand said, and vanished in thin air.

The three Smashers stared at where he had just been, the basketball completely forgotten…

Master Hand was correct on his advice though. As the Smashers gathered around for the fourth event of the tournament early next morning, the hand informed everyone that it was simply going to be a three-on-three basketball tournament, with points shared. However, players from each team would get points on how valuable they were to their team, as rated by the other players during the games.

"But, MH, you said they were all going to be from games…" protested Bowser.

"Like it matters to you, you're like a bloody tank, only maybe a tank who can't shoot from anywhere outside the key." Ness told Bowser.

"Bowser, shut up. If you have a problem with it, then quit and get no points. Or just assume that it is a mode from NBA 2K7 or something. Or Mario Hoops." Master Hand fired back at the…turtle.

"I'd rather call it a glorified 2K7…" Bowser muttered under his breath, remembering how he had been horribly blocked by Waluigi in the final of that Mario Hoops tournament. Even if he was a tank

"Anyway, I've drawn up some teams. Get organised, pick yourselves some names, and head back here. You guys have ten minutes and counting." Master Hand said, pinning up a list by the wall. It read:

**Team 1: **DK, Ness, Samus

**Team 2: **Bowser, Popo, Roy

**Team 3: **Ganondorf, Nana, Zelda

**Team 4: **Captain Falcon, Pikachu, Luigi

**Team 5: **Mewtwo, Malon, Krystal

**Team 6: **Wario, Link, Peach

**Team 7: **Falco, Kirby, Marth

**Team 8: **Candy, Mario, Fox

Nobody showed any real distaste at the team picking, and they all headed off to choose names. Although there were a couple of large debates, generally, the team-name choosing went reasonably well, and up came the teams:

**Team 1: Water Giants**

**Team 2: Super Magic Power Swords**

**Team 3: Teeming Extreme**

**Team 4: Tomahawks**

**Team 5: Skyhooks**

**Team 6: The Electronic Conscience**

**Team 7: The X-Factor**

**Team 8: Tornadoes**

There were a couple of comments on a few of the names that were posted up, but generally, no real mocking, and they were quickly shut up by Master Hand managing to whisk up some singlets with the various assorted names that had been picked, and there were some real nice ones too. Everyone gleefully put their team singlets on, and waited for Master Hand to announce the rules.

"Okay, regular basketball scoring, full-court, and two eight-minute halves. You can call one timeout per half. I'll decide the seeds by an awesomenator thingo…I've managed to get the NBA 2K7 versions of Steve Nash, Shaquille O'Neal and Dwyane Wade here…you'll play them in a twelve-minute game!" Master Hand said, spinning two basketballs on one finger, to the disbelief of a few.

"But Hand…we'll get hammered!" protested Falco.

"Hehe…kidding. Round-robin matches, two groups, five-minute halves. Then we play quarter-finals, okay?"

Master Hand flicked his finger, and up appeared two groups:

Group A: Water Giants, Teeming Extreme, Electronic Conscience, X-Factor

Group B: SMPS, Tomahawks, Skyhooks, Tornadoes

"One game at a time, we've got one main court in the mansion gym, so everyone should head down there." Master Hand said, and the Smashers followed him into the gymnasium.

"So that makes twelve round-robin games at ten minutes each…that should take three hours. We'll have lunch, and then ten games at sixteen minutes each…three and a half hours. You guys have a break for the night, so don't worry, you'll have plenty of time to recuperate. Plus, the courts have some shifty ventilation system that cools down players rapidly after their games, and naturally, I have a stack of Gatorade…" Master Hand said, as they headed over to the courts.

"You know that stuff causes people to be obsessed with winning?" grinned Captain Falcon, enjoying mocking the Hand.

"Shut up, Falcon!" the Hand yelled angrily.

"All right! So, we've got Water Giants and X-Factor up in the first match. You six, get out on court to warm-up. Everyone else, find some place to sit, and shut up for now. I'll ref." Master Hand announced, quickly recovering from his state of anger, and everyone rushed to their places.

"You are really taking this basketball tournament seriously, no? Mario Hoops is much different to this…" Bowser said.

"That is why it sucks and failed Nintendo. Now shut up and watch."

Bowser shut up.

Within five minutes, it was tip-off time. Master Hand motioned the start with a tip-off, and DK lazily leaped over Falco, knocking it to Samus who was being marked tightly by Marth. Samus moved forward, bouncing the ball behind her back, then back the other way, beating Marth and sprinted forward. As she drove in towards the basket, Falco came across for the block, and she slipped it off to the open DK, who pulled it in for the first points of the event.

Kirby took the pass from Marth, and moved forward slowly. He wasn't a great dribble, or a "pro" basketballer like Samus, so he had to rely on a bit of luck. Taking the ball down slowly, he popped it in the air to Marth, who tried to work around Samus, but she was too quick for him. Knocking the ball away, she raced up the court and finger-rolled in two more points.

"Hey Samus, did you practise playing basketball while you were killing Space Pirates?" called a smirking Mewtwo.

Samus shrugged lazily, and stuck an arm out at the inbound, looking for the steal. She didn't get it though, and Marth moved up court, passing to Kirby. Kirby made a move forward, trying to beat Ness, and sort of did well until Samus came up again with the double-team, stripping the ball. DK had come up in support again, and she handed it to him for two more easy points.

Much of the game turned out to be along this pattern. Although the X-Factor slowed down Samus, she still scored freely, stole a few balls and handed out some nice passes, and the Water Giants won 47-24. Samus had added 29 points, and looked much more comfortable out of her suit, with DK 16 and Ness managing a late lay-up near the end, despite his crappy shooting ability.

Most people quickly lost interest in watching, and headed off to the other courts to muck around before their games. There weren't too many memorable moments through the round-robin games, as in most matches, the teams scored freely with so much space. Water Giants, as a result of the brilliant Samus, dominated Group A and Group B being a real fight with Krystal and Mewtwo proving a useful tall combination for the Skyhooks, and Captain Falcon being fed nicely by Pikachu's precision passing that probably came from his ability to hit anyone with electric attacks. Well, it was close enough to precision.

Probably the most memorable moments of the early round-robin event, came from either Luigi's swishing three with two seconds left for the Tomahawks to beat the Skyhooks 32-30, Samus shooting a reverse lay-up over Ganondorf, or Zelda's stunning block on Wario's off-balance shot (to the catcalls of the bigger Smashers). But soon, everyone, exhausted despite Master Hand's ventilation system, settled in for pizza which had been ordered from the local pizza parlour, and drinks, ready for another load of afternoon action, competing for the points.

As everyone wiped the cheese and sauce off their mouths, finished the last drops of drinks and got up to head back to the court, Pacman had decided it was a good time to drop in on Master Hand…

Having arrived from teleporting from the Atari dimension, he had telekinetically reached out to poke Master Hand, and the giant hand obliged the request for a conversation, heading back to his office. And naturally, when he found Pacman, the yellow ball wasn't pleased.

"YOU RAN A FUCKING PACMAN TOURNAMENT WITHOUT MY PERMISSION??? YOU PIECE OF NO-GOOD-"he screamed, but Master Hand cut him off.

"White hand thingy?" he asked sarcastically.

"Uh…yeah. Just screw you man, screw you." Pacman said, bouncing away to a corner of the room.

"Jeez, it's just a tournament. You try controlling twenty guys beating the hell out of each other in a lunch room."

"IT'S NOT A TOURNAMENT! I mean, I bet I can control the ghosts if they go all-out-brawl on each other."

"That's four people. Plus, you have the drug. And they eat you if you don't use it. And I don't have a drug that lets me crush people in my fingers to subdue them." Master Hand replied coolly.

"Shut up." Pacman mumbled.

"I'm sure we could work out something though…" Master Hand muttered.

"Hmm…let's see…AH-HAH! I can shout out insulting comments at your Smashers during the Pacman tournament!" Pacman smirked triumphantly.

"Man, screw you. Whatever counts though. See ya around; I'll call you when I'm hosting the thing."

Pacman, satisfied with the result, disappeared in thin air, back into the Atari dimension, pretty happy.

That was until he hit a racing car.

"DAMN IT, TELEPORTED TOO FAR!"

By the time Master Hand got back, the Tomahawks and Electronic Conscience were already warming up, ready to get the elimination rounds up and going. He appeared with the basketball, motioned for everyone to head to the bleachers, leaving the six basketballers on court, ready for the start.

Captain Falcon got the tip-off over Wario, and it went to Pikachu, who bounced the ball up with his tiny paws. Link followed him carefully, and Luigi made a break from Peach into open space, where Pikachu passed it to him. Luigi flicked it to Captain Falcon, who backed down towards Wario. Wario tried to psyche him out with his mind, but only a little, but Falcon ignored it, so he had to square up and block him out. That worked better, but Captain Falcon still managed to squeeze past him with a lucky hook shot.

Link took it up the court, using Peach as a screen to pick off Pikachu. Racing towards the basket, he flipped the ball to Wario at the last second, drawing Captain Falcon, who recovered, but wasn't quick enough to prevent Wario drawing the slap on the arm and the two points. He made the free-throw, and they settled back up court to set up defence.

That was what the rest of the game really was. Both teams used their big guy to squeeze out the points, and it turned into an essentially one-on-one contest. However, overall, the Tomahawks played with better outside shooting, and both Pikachu and Luigi were able to sink outside shots when Captain Falcon was double-teamed slamming it inside. Wario scored well for the Conscience, Link and Peach gave him good support, but their shooting did suffer, and the Tomahawks won 30-21, advancing to the semis.

Next up were the Water Giants, up against the Tornadoes.

It was an uneven contest. Right from the start, Samus continued to dominate, rolling straight over Candy, her marker (who had refused to play on DK). She was constantly pulling up the shots, and nobody could really stop her either. Fox played hard and was strong when picking up boards and Mario was quick with the ball, but they were simply steamrollered by Samus, a clear-cut choice for the MVP of their team. Although Mario did get up the other end to sink four late threes, the Water Giants won easily 46-25. They were easily the team to beat.

As the Skyhooks took the court for the match against Teeming Extreme, nobody was really giving Ganondorf, Nana or Zelda much of a chance, especially after the way Samus's Water Giants had dominated. Neither did they do so when Mewtwo won the tip-off, and the Skyhooks shared a few passes before a defence-splitting pass to a cutting Krystal gave them two easy points. After Zelda's awkward-looking shot lipped out, the Skyhooks executed the same play, with good passing have come from Mewtwo's psychic ability to sense the motions of his team-mates, Krystal's good co-ordination from being a pilot and Malon's good teamwork generating two more points.

However, the Teeming Extreme made it a reasonable contest. Ganondorf used his size and body mass well against what you could describe as the "rail-thin" Mewtwo, Nana was quick with the ball and Zelda was surprisingly good at sinking shots, no matter how weird it looked. With three minutes to go, Teeming Extreme was in with a shot at 26-20. And when Nana somehow managed to swish a three-pointer over an open-mouthed Malon, it was game-on. Or at least it was until Malon over-armed it downtown to Krystal for a short jumper, then Krystal picked off the pass inbound and rolled in two more. And that was it. The game finished at 36-27.

And with that, came the final game of the quarters, between the X-Factor and the Super Magic Power Swords. Once again, the Power Swords started favourites, but only because of Bowser's size and strength.

The tip-off was won surprisingly by Falco, because Bowser…had to stop himself sneezing just before the tip-off or face a technical foul and a few swear words by Falco. Kirby dribbled the ball up, but then decided he couldn't be bothered to move forward on his feet, and remembered that he could jump very high (several hours after the tournament start), so he simply started jumping up into the air with his ridiculously annoying quintuple-jump. He was immediately whistled by Master Hand.

"But…but that wasn't travelling!" Kirby complained.

"Fine…err…illegal jumping." Master Hand muttered.

"FARK YOU!" Kirby shouted loudly as he tossed the ball hard at Popo, who caught it, but was sent flying back by the force of the throw.

Master Hand managed to give what seemed like a shrug…with his giant hand. Popo picked himself up, and handed it to Roy, rubbing his back angrily, and the match started…properly.

After that, Kirby lost interest in the match, and the Power Swords gave the X-Factor a SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME ULTRA SPECIAL SEXY whipping. They relied on Bowser to score some easy points, and when he was double-teamed by Marth and Falco, he dished it out to Roy or Popo, who were usually open considering that Kirby wasn't really trying as a result of Master Hand's contentious decision. The Power Swords won 40-16.

Master Hand approached Kirby after the game, as everyone wandered off for a short break before the playoffs for 5th to 8th, and the semis.

"Look, Kirby, I know you're pissed about this, but I have an idea…which lets you take all your rage out on something!" Master Hand said.

"On you?" Kirby asked hopefully.

"No, on the author."

"You mean we're actually video game characters in a story written by some random guy who isn't even a proper fan of Nintendo and prefers playing Xbox and eating chocolate chip cookies with-"

"Kirby, shut up. I'll just break this fourth wall so we all have access to the author. SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME MASTER HAND SMASH!" Master Hand yelled, and with a war-cry, he punched Kirby in the face.

"Ow! What was the point of that?" Kirby mumbled, nursing the spot where he had been punched, coincidentally, the same place where he was hit during Bomberman.

"Uh, yeah, that's where the fourth wall was. Sorry about that." Master Hand 'smirked'.

With the fourth wall now effectively broken, Master Hand had the first shot at yelling at the author:

"Stop making references to a Yu-Gi-Oh parody you only started watching two weeks ago!"

"Shut up, I finished watching all current episodes today; I can reference it all I want." Dominus Noobius shot back.

"Now wait a second!" Kirby said loudly, picking himself up from the ground.

"If the wall remains broken, all you'll do is shouting obscenities at the author for whatever inadequate plotline he adds to the story. So you should like…repair it. Anyway, FARK YOU FOR MAKING THE QUINTUPLE JUMP ILLEGAL!" Kirby screamed at the author.

"Whatever. I can repair the wall anytime, I want, I'm the author." Dominus Noobius replied, and he disappeared immediately.

"Asshole." Master Hand muttered.

"I heard that. And for that, you'll have to dance. And the wall is now officially repaired."

Suddenly, Master Hand stiffened. He began to start tap-dancing with all five of his fingers, complete with the two-fingered walk that he had used on the Smashers during the original Super Smash Brothers Tournaments. Unfortunately for him, Kirby was in the way again.

"Damn, Master Hand, why do you keep doing that? AND WHY DO YOU KEEP GETTING ME HURT ON PURPOSE, WHOEVER YOU ARE?"

Kirby was immediately struck down by the laws of fanfiction writing.

"Kirby, if the wall isn't broken, you can't speak to the author. It's illegal, and you get…err…smitttttttted by a purple lightning bolt." Master Hand said, having now completed his dance.

"Why is it purple? Isn't that a fruit?"

"Why don't we shut up and get back to the tournament?"

"Why can't I just shout at the author?"

Master Hand flicked him in the face, and glided off.

With the nasty business finally cleared up, it was ready for the 5th to 8th playoffs. First up, was the battle for the wooden spoon between the Tornadoes and Teeming Extreme. This time, nobody was tipping nobody with neither team having won a match during the whole tournament, and one team set to receive one point per player for their efforts.

Candy won the tip-off against Ganondorf, and Mario set up offence. He passed it to Fox, who immediately put up a jump shot, rolling in off a lucky bounce for two. Zelda shook her head, and went to receive the in-bound. After taking it up court, she handed it to Ganondorf, rather reluctantly, and Ganondorf passed it to Nana, who fired a shot from just inside the three-point line. The ball was about to bounce off to the side, when it suddenly, as if attracted by magnetic force, drifted back into the net. Nana stared at Master Hand, who hummed innocently.

The rest of the match went pretty much the same way. Master Hand had done something to the rings, and the points flew in pretty quickly. With nine seconds left, the Tornadoes were down 44-42, but they had the last possession. Mario took the inbound from Candy on the run, beat Zelda, who slipped and could only watch as Mario ran on. He went to shoot over Nana, but passed it to the open Fox at the last second. Fox was expecting the pass, and was in the same place that he had been when he had made the first points of the game. He jumped, and released the ball for the potential game-winning shot. It lipped out, and landed in Ganondorf's hand. The buzzer blew and Teeming Extreme began to dance about in celebration after the dramatic win.

Fox just stared at Master Hand.

"Dude, that landed in the EXACT SAME SPOT as it did when I hit that shot earlier in the game! Stop twiddling with the rings!" he shouted angrily, as he approached the Hand with his fists clenched. Krystal held him back, but he slowly inched closer. Master Hand shrugged. Again. Somehow.

Fox didn't have time to go after Master Hand, because the Electronic Conscience and X-Factor were on court immediately after the completion of the match, ready to fight for 5th and 6th places.

Although Kirby was actually interested in the fate of the match this time around, the Electronic Conscience simply hammered the X-Factor because of their height advantage. Peach towered over Kirby, and Wario was a lot…tankier than Falco could be meaning a lot of easy shots for Peach and Falco, while Link and Marth played evenly on each other. The rings didn't change during the match, much to the players' relief, and much to the fury of Fox. It didn't change the score though; the Conscience ran out winners 34-19.

Everyone settled down for the semi-final matches, as these were the real business parts of the tournament, with the winners taking home eight points each. First up were the Water Giants, up against the Skyhooks, and it was basically all about Samus versus Krystal, and how they would fare. They were both athletic players, having come from years of blasting countless "bad guys" ranging from planets such as Aether to Zebes to Sauria…and such. However, there was also much to see about the battle between Mewtwo and DK; whether psychic powers could help overcome DK's sheer body strength…and weight.

It was a contest from the start. Predictably, Samus dominated for the Water Giants, shooting over the taller Krystal with confidence and with accuracy, though Mewtwo did get in with two superb blocks on the bounty hunter by rushing off DK. Krystal and Mewtwo shared the points for the Skyhooks early on, with Malon passing the ball well, being such a well co-ordinated player, despite her lack of sporting prowess. At 15-13, a contest looked well-on for a place in the final. But Samus suddenly took her game up a level, and exploded with two three-point shots, and the Water Giants went up 21-15.

With the start of the second half, the Water Giants came out and played solid defence, focusing on keeping their lead. Krystal and Malon lurked at the edges, looking for openings to shoot from. Slowly, they whittled down the lead…21-17…23-17…23-20…24-20…24-22…

It was thrilling stuff. The Giants were holding them down well, but Krystal was making a few impossible shots, and Mewtwo managed to shoot over DK's giant frame to score baskets. Samus continued to threaten on offence, but DK and Ness were focused on getting back, and she was closed down often.

However, it looked like their brave comeback was going to be weeded out when once again, Samus stepped up. After hitting a shot on the run, she followed it up with a one-handed scoop off a pass knocked away by DK. After bouncing the ball AROUND a stunned Mewtwo, who was left staring, she flipped it to the far end to DK, who had gotten up-court quickly. DK made the easy basket, and wagged his finger mockingly at Popo, sitting on the sidelines. It was now 35-29. One and a half minutes left.

However, the Skyhooks still weren't lying down. The two teams traded baskets, before Malon hit a lucky three-pointer that rolled around the ring before going in. She looked at Master Hand again, who shrugged. 37-all. Forty seconds left. Ness took it down. Malon didn't dare going for a steal and leaving someone open. Samus made a break open, and Malon went to her. The fadeaway shot was a bit loose, and Mewtwo gobbled up the ball. Suddenly, the crowd of Smashers started yelling, as the Water Giants desperately back-pedalled in an attempt to get back. The Skyhooks charged down the court, and Malon flipped it to Krystal. Krystal faked, and played it to Mewtwo. Mewtwo beat DK with a nice spin, and Ness was forced to cover, simply by harassing him a bit. Mewtwo saw Ness coming, and saw Malon, who had anticipated the play coming in, and laid the ball off to her. Malon was about to flick the ball into the net when suddenly, a large shape dawned in front of her. It was DK, who savagely swatted the ball away. A huge play and Samus gathered up the ball, and began to sprint down-court. Krystal moved back with her, but a clever move got her in a bit of space, and Mewtwo came back in support. It looked like they had her trapped, but suddenly, she produced a behind-the-back pass to a running DK, who came to a stop with an open shot.

DK thought about delaying and getting closer, but he saw the clock in above the backboard-five seconds left. He took one look at the net, and fired, over a bemused Malon, who couldn't really do much apart from stick an arm up. It struck the back iron, and went in. Water Giants had won.

At first, there was silence. Then, there was a yell of triumph by Samus as she ran up to high-five. Then, everyone started cheering (or moaning, if you had been taking bets, as Bowser and Ganondorf had. Bowser glumly produced the 10 Coins promised).

It had been a brilliant match, but after a few minutes of letting the two lap it up, Master Hand ordered that everyone be back to watch the second semi-final. As it turned out, it was rather anticlimactic. Captain Falcon was brilliant in shutting down Bowser, Luigi strangled Roy with his height, and Pikachu was way too quick for any real chance to stop as the Tomahawks won 35-28.

Master Hand called in the Smashers for a food break, and handed out random snacks to those who weren't playing, and fruit and water to those who still were. Just as tired as everyone else, he quickly called the break over and got the players back on court for the third-place playoff.

As it was the case, the Skyhooks were mentally tired, but they had played brilliant basketball in the semi-final loss, and their standard just blew away the Super Magic Power Swords, with a late comeback making the score look respectable. Krystal poured in 23 points, and they ran home winners 38-31.

And so it was finally coming to the final. Master Hand had originally intended the basketball to involve special powers, letting them swat each other around, but he decided that it would be easier to leave that to Sega Soccer Slam, which he had organised on the list. The two teams lined up, ready for the battle for the Console Crazy Basketball Championship…uh, Toad's PP Basketball Championship.

DK, predictably, won the tip-off over Captain Falcon, and off went Samus. Luigi followed her carefully, as she jogged forward, looking to score like she had all tournament. She passed it to Ness, who quickly fed it back to her as she penetrated through, and slipped in two points to open proceedings.

The match was what you expected of a final: a real contest. Pikachu had played beautifully all tournament as a result of his legal Agility attack, and he was once again quick, beating Ness on several occasions and feeding to Captain Falcon as a result of his obvious lack of height preventing him from shooting too well. DK was forced to constantly cover for Ness, but he got a few swats on Captain Falcon, wagging his finger at…Popo each time he did so. Samus dominated scoring again, and was generous in her passing as well, although Luigi played tight on her.

With the score at 34-33, it was up for someone to stand up…and most characters had done on countless occasions. On traditional arcade basketball rules, on the fourth foul, free throws had to be shot. There hadn't been much dirty play, mainly out of fear of Master Hand's almighty smiting ability, but it was getting a bit serious, with the desperation to grab the points.

Ness took it up court, and as usual, passed to Samus. Immediately, Pikachu charged off at the bounty hunter in an attempt to trap her and force a turnover, with ten seconds to go. Samus held on, and slipped the pass back to Ness. Ness looked at the net, and went up for the game-winner. Captain Falcon anticipated, and slapped Ness's arm. Hard. The foul went up, but the shot missed, and it was up for Ness to win the match.

But his arm was sore, and he could barely lift the ball. He air-balled the first one, and there was a huge groan. Using an underarm action, he somehow got the second one through. 35-33. Eight seconds left. Samus guarded Luigi, who was passing the ball. Luigi looked around, and Pikachu made a Quick-Attack assisted run for the ball, and got it. Immediately, he was swarmed by Samus coming back, and Ness who had found the spot. Pikachu dribbled left, then right and then…through Samus's legs.

Samus couldn't believe it, but Pikachu had three seconds to shot. Heaving the ball up above his head, he flung it at the net from outside, using every ounce of his energy he still had left. The ball almost went in slo-mo, as it slowly dropped down. Down. Down. It hit the left ring, backboard, and then flipped into the net.

Total pandemonium followed. Samus, shaking her head, was the first one to pick up a nearly-unconscious Pikachu and give him a high-five. It was drama to the max, and Master Hand was pleased. He knew that once they were done with this tournament, they would be so tired that he could take a proper break without dealing with Kirby's snack-eating or Roy's big sword in the wrong places or…whatever.

He went to call for the trophy-presenter, but then mumbled:

"Ah screw it, leave it for the next chapter!"


	7. He Don't Feel Like Dancin'

As the twenty-four exhausted full-time and part-time Smashers straggled towards the living room of the mansion, with Samus carrying Pikachu who was on the verge of vomiting. Master Hand, of course, had simply teleported there, much to the annoyance of some. Not so much as the Tomahawks though, who were rather happy with their dramatic last-gasp win.

By the time they arrived inside, Master Hand already had the trophies out; three gold basketball trophies, three silver.

"Yeah, right, so uh…I pissed off the author in the last chapter so he didn't choose anyone special to present the trophies. Or maybe he's apathetic, I can't ask or I'll get smite. Smitten. Smiteteteted. Like Kirby." Master Hand said sheepishly, as he picked up all six trophies in two fingers.

"Anyway, may as well get this over and done with. I've updated the scoresheet with the points for the tournament. Roy, you're still leading. Captain Falcon, you've moved to second. Here's your trophies, kthnxbai. Oh, you have the rest of the day off; I'll tell you about the event tomorrow after breakfast." Master Hand said, tossing the trophies out at the players and vanishing in thin air. Unfortunately for Pikachu, Samus dropped him to catch her own, and the big shiny gold trophy hit him in the face while he was on the floor. At least it woke him up though, and he replied by vomiting some yellow liquid out.

"Electrical vomit." Samus smirked as Marth rushed off to grab a towel and a glass of water.

Once Pikachu had been cleared up, everyone headed off to do their own stuff. Most Smashers just collapsed on chairs scattered around, but a few went off to play on the GameCube. They had to wait before the Wii, Xbox 360 and PS3 that Master Hand had ordered could arrive.

Meanwhile, Master Hand was trying to figure out his new guest stars. Wario, Candy, Krystal and Malon all were getting close to completing their cameos, and Yoshi and Pichu were getting back from their vacations. Game And Watch and Jigglypuff still weren't available either.

Scratching his palm with one of his giant fingers, Master Hand brought up a list of Nintendo characters.

"Solid Snake…nah. Meta Knight…maybe next time. Hector…dunno. Isaac from _Golden Sun_? Hmm. Hey, Wolf." Master Hand "grinned", as he came to the name of the Wolf team leader.

"He'll be good, maybe fire Fox up a bit. Hmm, who else. Diddy Kong…nah. Maybe one of Ness's friends…too troublesome. Ah! Squirtle. He's badass, plus he'll be enigmatic. All right, I'll get calling before Pacman shows up again and demands a guest spot. Stupid yellow blob."

Thankfully, the Atari King didn't hear him from the alternate dimension.

And naturally, Master Hand was distracted from his calls by the packages which had suddenly popped by his table from Crazy Hand, who was acting as a…left-hand deliveryman between universes-in charge of everything from gaming guides to…video game consoles.

"WOOT!" he shouted, as he unwrapped the packages. Six consoles lay in front of him, and he immediately set up three of them in his private room. He opened the next package, which turned out to be two massive boxes of games for the next-generation consoles. Then he grabbed the other three consoles, with one of the boxes, in his palm, and teleported himself out into the living room.

The effect was dramatic. Most Smashers rushed to have a turn on the next-generation consoles. Various games were all loaded up and Master Hand himself was also interested, heading back to his room to start playing _Crackdown_. The consoles would keep the Smashers occupied for a few hours and reinvigorate them before he held the next event. Another event that some Smashers would find painful…

It was lucky that the widescreen LCD televisions hadn't melted from overuse. For the last few hours, the Smashers had been twiddling their fingers on the controllers as they battled their way through hour after hour of video games. Master Hand had teleported food onto the tables lying around the place, and they had been eating them almost mindlessly.

However, the fad was dying off a bit near midnight. Fox and Falco weren't battling each other in Pro Evolution Soccer 6 as enthusiastically as they had to start with, Peach and Samus were getting rather bored of forcing their way through another level of Twilight Princess (with Zelda grumbling about how bad she looked), and Ness and Pikachu weren't "rockin' out" as they were doing earlier on Guitar Hero II. Soon, everybody was settling down to sleep…which they didn't really need that bad, since they had instant energy restorers, another one of those special features that the Smasher Mansion had. But sleep was always good.

It was a lazy start for everyone next morning, so Master Hand organised breakfast to be later than usual. Although Marth and Roy were up early to play WarioWare, nobody else really bothered to get up at their normal time. This gave the Hand much more time to ready his format for the tournament. He was smiling to himself as he imagined the breaking of the news to the characters.

"Fuck the what?" screeched Fox at breakfast, showering Luigi in bits of bacon.

"Yep." Master Hand said, turning into a thumbs-up sign.

"Are you crazy? What are we supposed to do, plod around and make fools of ourselves?" Fox yelped, ignoring Luigi's stare as he brushed off the bacon.

"Well, you didn't mind much during SingStar."

"But, dancing is TOTALLY different to SingStar. You don't have to move at all when you sing. But you fall over all the time in Dance Dance Revolution, and that's not right."

Fox continued to debate with Master Hand, but eventually shut up, as Master Hand lazily came up with rebuttals to each one of his statements.

Even though a few of the Smashers tried their utmost to eat as slow as they could, eventually Master Hand vanished their plates and pill'd them into another dimension. Unsurprisingly, it was an arcade, but filled with plenty of other classics-the original Donkey Kong (which Mario pointed to DK with a grin), Marv Albert screaming "BOOMSHAKALAKA" on NBA Jam, Marvel vs. Capcom, Dig Dug, Galaga and Time Crisis. And in the far corner, a Dance Dance Revolution Machine. Master Hand moved over to it, and after tapping his fingers around on it, somehow caused the machine to splutter, with "99 credits" appearing at the bottom of the screen. Several of the Smashers rolled their eyes.

"All right, you guys can pick any song you like. I've stored every arcade DDR song on this thing. They range from really easy to ridiculously hard. The harder song you pick, the higher your scoring system will be." Master Hand said, pointing at a list of song names that sprawled downwards.

Most of the Smashers stared at him. However, some of the girls (Krystal, Peach and Malon) and a few of the guys who weren't worried about embarrassing themselves (Popo, Link and Mewtwo) went off to stretch and get ready.

"Uh, Hand?" Kirby asked.

"What?"

"Isn't there…a size issue for me? I mean, I kind of struggle to reach for the steps because I'm so short?"

Master Hand just gave a thumbs-up. Obviously, he had done something.

Eventually, the Smashers lined up. Peach went off and changed out of her regular dress, and returned wearing a mini-skirt and tights underneath; Mewtwo had meditated well and looked rather calm and Roy was grinning fearlessly. DK, on the other hand, like he had during SingStar, looked as if he was going to collapse with fear. Ganondorf and Bowser were sniggering at their friend, and DK replied with a couple of short-charged giant punches at them, decking them both, and bringing the grin back to his face. It didn't leave him.

Master Hand had screwed around with the game. Each Smasher had a different-sized dance mat, morphing with as each person stepped on it. The rest of the event was simply in terms of choice. Ganon, Bowser and several others picked Ecstasy, the ultra-slow song and struggled to put it away, getting mixed up on the slow beat, a few others went totally random and got a variety of tunes, while the more agile and the more willing took the high-scoring songs such as Max300 and Mr. Bassman. Donkey Kong eventually settled on "Tubthumping", and straggled through it, eventually falling in a heap. He didn't get "up again" as the song would suggest. Krystal ended up winning, her long limbs effortlessly moving her through Max300, while Peach wasn't too far behind the Team Star Fox member. Mewtwo's psychic aura of calmness kept him composed, and he sneaked in third in front of Malon. Bowser, unsurprisingly, came last, but DK finished ahead of both Kirby and Ganondorf.

The presentation ceremony was another half-assed one. Master Hand had organised for the…Konami logo to present the trophies to Krystal, Peach and Mewtwo, and Falco responded by throwing an orange at him. Which was promptly dispatched and turned into orange juice by the Hand.

Hand smiled to himself as the Smashers headed back to their room. Hopefully, he could stop the complaining next round, when Mario Kart would come into play…

**End Note: **Well, I was rather apathetic on this one, and I kinda ran out of ideas. I have a list of events to do, but I'm still working on something to add spice to the storyline. I'd appreciate any suggestions on any video game events I should do!


	8. Watch Out For Flying Pigs

And now, it's time for a totally stupid short on…the dangers of binge eating. Uh, no, that was done in the first chapter. How about just a SSBM version of why you shouldn't take drugs? All right…

"_Hey, I'm wasted. Let's go to the bar and grab some drinks before we keep partying!" Roy mumbled loudly to Link and Marth._

"_Boo-yah, why didn't we think of that earlier?" Link muttered, dizzy from doing 360-degree spins on the dance-floor while trying to impress some princess. Aurora or Apple or something. Marth rolled his eyes, unimpressed at their antics._

_The three headed over to the bar, where Mario sat, bartending with a wide range of drinks behind him._

"_Hello'a, what canni do for you?" he greeted them, in a sarcastic Italian tone._

"_Uh…we'll have…uh, three Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters." Roy said, pointing at a bottle of vodka._

"_Hey'a Roy, are you on drugs? Do'ya know how much'a those things cost?"_

"_No buddy, give me the drinks." Roy snarled back, nearly falling off his chair._

_Mario shrugged and poured some beer. As he did so, he reached from under the table, and tipped some powder into Roy's drink. The packet of powder read "WARNING: may induce consumer to try out some hilarious pick-up lines. Also can cause sneezing, chicken pox and deep vein thrombosis. May also cause consumer to believe that they are full of win."_

_Roy sank the beer in one gulp. Marth and Link stared at him, and ignored their own alcoholic drinks. Roy's liver promptly asploded, but this didn't really matter as he tried a pick-up line. Mario sniggered from behind the table as Roy staggered to Wario, drunk._

"_That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed." Roy slurred, nearly falling over._

_Wario punched him, and turned to Link and Marth, confused._

"_He's rather drunk. I think Mario spiked his drink."_

"_Uh well, we should call a doctor then." Captain Falcon said as he arrived at the scene, looking at the unconscious Roy._

_Roy's mind was partly conscious, and when he heard "mouth-to-mouth", he began to scream._

Roy woke up from his power nap in a cold sweat. Link and Marth, who were both eating nacho chips from their (tidied) food stash, stared at him.

"What?" they asked.

"I've decided to not take drugs when I get older…" he replied.

"You've told us that before."

"Shut up."

The Smashers started lazily again in the afternoon. After the Dance Dance Revolution contest, they hung around the arcade again until they got bored and stepped back into the mansion for lunch. Master Hand was nowhere to be seen, so they assumed his location: organising another event.

And he was. He had shuffled over to Looney Tunes Land, and was trying to convince the head of ACME Corporation to lend him some of his racing carts.

"NO U, FULE!" was the reply.

"Look, you bastard, I've got a tournament to organize here. What should I use instead of your carts, billycarts?" Master Hand said angrily, and was promptly struck down by a bunch of true-blue Australians.

"You buggering the old billycart, cobber?" asked one of them.

"Uh…no."

"Okay," the Australian shrugged, and the group vanished in thin air.

"So, uh, what were we talking about? Yes, what should I use for the tournament?" Master Hand asked.

"Get them from Nintendo. Or build your own, you're a goddamn giant hand, you've been represented in video games as a click-point-build sort of thing, haven't you?" the ACME head replied.

"You know I can't trust _Nintendo_ with their karts! This is a god-damn real racing tournament, it isn't Mario Kart DS. You know what, I'll try Konami." Master Hand said, and he disappeared into thin air.

"Bastard…" muttered the ACME head before he talked to another character, who was trying to sell Michael Jordan's Space Jam jersey…

So Master Hand headed over to the world of Konami, to try and persuade the owner of the item shop to lend him some racing carts. The old man was sceptical at first, but eventually agreed and Master Hand finally got his wish. Now it was time for the Smashers to get racing.

The reaction this time wasn't so unexpected, but some Smashers were still annoyed, as the Mario characters had raced karts before, which supposedly gave them an advantage.

"I mean, we've played the games, but we haven't actually raced in those things before!" Wario mumbled.

"Sure, Wario, sure. Keep believing tha-AAGH." Popo smirked, until he was backhanded in the face by Wario.

"Yeah, well you'll be racing in different tracks, not just Mario Kart ones." Master Hand said.

"Like?"

"How about Beggar's Canyon?"

"Oh, ha-ha. No, seriously. What've you got?" Falco asked.

"Burnout tracks, Forza Motorsport, I fancy doing tracks from Rallisport Challenge…street races from GTA. Konami Krazy Racers, Rad Racer. Gran Turismo? You're going to do them all in your kart. If you piss me off, I'll add something obscure."

"WHAT?!" screamed the Smashers in unison.

"Relax, there's still weapon boxes. Stuff from Konami's racer and from Looney Tunes Racing as well. Lego Racers yeah, that's on too. Crash Nitro Kart. Actually, from that fat list, maybe just the more arcade-y and shorter races."

"You are total ah-soh." Ness muttered.

"Shut up or you get hit with one of each item. Trust me, it hurts aplenty."

The Smashers paused for a second, and Marth piped up:

"Hey Hand, how are we going to race? I mean twenty or so people are too much, it'll be just a demolition derby."

Master Hand smirked to himself and broke the news:

"In fact, that's exactly what we're going to do." he said.

"Huh?" yelped Ganondorf.

"Well, just the first part. I'll sort you into racing groups by organising a hilarious 24-player race at the Super Speedway of Juiced. I'll organise you into groups via position."

The group of Nintendo characters just stared at him, but Master Hand ignored their stares, flicked his fingers and behind them, a bunch of karts fell out of the sky. They were classic-looking video game karts; nothing special, nothing particularly unique.

"You tards want a guide to the weaponry?" Master Hand called.

A few of them nodded, and Master Hand brought up the screen that he had used during the Halo event. He went through the Mario Kart weapons first-he designated red items as offensive items; the triple and single shells, and thunder bolt. Blue was defensive: bananas, fake boxes, the boo. Yellow was for boosts, and Gold was for special items; the star, the spiked shell and golden mushroom.

Looney Tunes consisted of mainly offensive items in the cream pie, the boom, the rain cloud and the homing missile. Anvils were special items and the dust item was a boost. Konami Krazy Racers had offensive items in blue and red missiles and the electric batteries, and a crapload of defensive items. They included the invisible eye potion, the icicle crash, the hole driller and the timed bomb. The special items included the barrier which acted like a star and the Circe curse.

By this time, a few of the girls were looking rather sick at the painful weapons. Master Hand kept on ploughing on though, as he moved onto Crash.

"Yeah, well, we have a complication here. You see, there's a feature in Crash about Wumpa Fruits, which make your weapons uber if you collect enough of them. They'll be spread around the place, along with Lego blocks, which make Lego items better too. You guys are lucky that I'm screwing around."

"Hardly." Fox grumbled, biting his paws.

Master Hand talked about the offensive items and their "juiced-up" abilities; the homing missile, the rolling bowling ball that asploded at the driver's will, the tornado and the red-eye missile. Defensive items included the infamous TNT crate, the static orb, invisibility and the ice mine. The hand pulled out the big gun special items, showing the deshpicable clock, the invincibility mask, and the super engine, an overpowered boost. To boot, there was the same regular nitro boost as in other games.

By this time, several of the Smashers were _green_, sickened at the thought of being constantly barraged by a series of cartoon-violence-promotion items. Master Hand ended by explaining various weapons of Lego Racers, and talked about how weapons could be upgraded by picking up white blocks. The offensive items involving the cannonball, grapple hook, lightning wand and three homing missiles; the defensive shield and obstacle items and the uber-turbo, culminating with a warp turbo. For the hell of it, Master Hand also had the Lego Racers 2 rocket, which could carry racers for a time before it exploded and the massive brick earthquake, which hit everyone on the track with vicious authority.

While this was occurring, Ness had written a list, which the Smashers all happily accepted:

**Offensive items: **Red and green single and triple shells, thunderbolt, boom, rain cloud, triple blue missile and triple red (homing) missiles, electric batteries, rolling bowling ball, Crash Nitro Kart homing missile, the tornado, red-eyed missile, the red block Lego weapons, the Lego Racers 2 racer-riding rocket, the LEGO RACERS homing missile ("Fantastic originality there." Samus commented.)

**Defensive items: **Bananas, fake boxes, boo ghost, eye potion, icicle crash, hole driller, timed bomb, TNT/Nitro crate, static orb, invisibility, ICE MINE, the Lego Racer shields, the Lego Racer obstacles.

**Boost items: **Various nitro boosts, "dust", Lego Racer uber boosts.

**Special items: **Star, blue shell, golden mushroom, pig curse, barrier, time-stopping clock, invincibility mask, super engine, Lego Racers brick earthquake

"And trust me, they aren't as painful as they sound." Hand said _reassuredly._

Coughs all around. Master Hand shrugged and pointed at the karts. Grudgingly, the Smashers made their way to them and buckled themselves in. Then Master Hand teleported them to a long, round speedway-rather easy, no real obstacles. The weapon boxes were set all along parts of the track, in groups of about 15. A test of driving ability, not particularly skill.

And so it was. At the start of the race, those who had gotten the boosts slammed into the back of others, causing each other to skid out at various points. Pikachu and Kirby shot away from the ruckus, but both were promptly slammed by an assortment of offensive items as the others untangled themselves and picked up a series of powerful "leader-hunting" weapons. It was soon clear that the race was going to be won by the one who had the best luck and made their move at the right time.

Malon, Luigi and Samus all made moves using their invisibility and when they were visible again, Mewtwo released his pig item. There was a giant flash, and pretty much everyone was turned into tiny pigs. Laughing madly, the psychic Pokemon ran several of them over as he passed by, but everyone was out to get him, and several of them succeeded, striking him with cream pies, missiles, bowling balls and a couple of red shells to boot. By the time they had done with him, he was looking rather out-of-it, even though his kart had survived as it was indestructible.

It was painful stuff. Nobody was able to get a head of steam, as they were usually interrupted each time by clocks, by brick earthquakes, by thunder bolts, by electric batteries, by static orbs. Magnetic fields and mummies caused havoc as racers were sucked in five at a time, and the circuit was a constant minefield as obstacles filled it. One particularly spectacular crash came at the expense of Popo, who after going through a line of bananas while out-of-control from an oil slick, ran into a nitro crate with a timed bomb stationed next to it. He was blown into the wall yelling in agony, and Donkey Kong laughed at him as he passed, only to be hit by an exploding bowling ball moments later.

Some racers were more intelligent. Krystal, still riding on her first-place finish and eager to pick up as many trophies as she could before heading back to Star Fox, went for a series of boosts and pushed for the warp boost, but was plugged constantly by items. Captain Falcon used his experience in F-Zero racing to dodge obstacles as much as he could, especially with the help of various shields. Link tried to slash at a flying item with his sword, but it exploded in his face. He used invisibility and invincibility items as soon as they popped up, as they were the most important items. As all the mayhem occurred, Master Hand floated around in the stands watching. Some of the Smashers definitely would've wanted to pound him in the face, but they couldn't, as they were too busy dodging torrents of weapons flying at them. Bowser tried shooting a cream pie and aiming his red-eyed missile at Master Hand, but the giant hand reflected them both and after that, nobody had tried to settle terms with him.

Finally, after five laps, it was what had been predicted: the lucky one would succeed. That one was Peach, who flew onto a series of useful items in the final half of the final lap, using electrical batteries, followed by a lightning bolt, and then a golden mushroom while on a star while on a super engine to speed home at blinding speed past Kirby who had recovered well from being totalled at the start, and had evaded plenty of obstacles with large slices of luck. Krystal flew in third after riding in on a rocket, and eventually, a straggle of others flowed in.

Plenty of the Smashers wanted to get their hands on Master Hand, but he didn't let them as a scoreboard shot up with the rankings from the race. It was quickly replaced by the groups for the tournament:

**Group 1: **Peach, Mewtwo, Marth, Luigi, Samus, Ganondorf, Pikachu, Malon

**Group 2: **Roy, Mario, Zelda, Link, DK, Ness, Kirby, Popo

**Group 3: **Fox, Falco, Captain Falcon, Krystal, Nana, Wario, Candy, Bowser

The Smashers gathered in front of Master Hand as he went to explain the rules of the tournament. They seemed noticeably relieved that the racing was only in 8-player groups now and involved much less hazard. Master Hand brought out a list of racing tracks, set for the event along with the rules:

**Each group will be racing these eight tracks:**

**-Shy Guy Beach, Mario Kart Super Circuit**

**-Vinewood, GTA San Andreas**

**-Calypso Coast, NOS Hot Pursuit 2**

**-****City Slicking Course, GTA San Andreas**

**-Moo-Moo Farm, Mario Kart 64**

**-Grand Valley East, Gran Turismo**

**-Magma Moon Marathon, Lego Racers**

**-Tiny Temple, Crash Nitro Kart**

**The top two point-getters in each group advance to the finals and the two racers that finish below them enter a wild-card race for the remaining two spots in the final. The tracks listed are for the finals:**

**-Toad's Turnpike, Mario Kart 64**

**-VC Endurance, GTA Vice City**

**-Cyber Field 2, Konami Krazy Racers**

**-High Speed Ring, Gran Turismo**

**-Atlantic Coast, The Need For Speed**

**-Xalax, Lego Racers 2**

**-Velo's Citadel, Crash Nitro Kart**

**-Rainbow Road, Mario Kart 64**

There was a terribly ghastly silence. There was a terribly ghastly noise. There was a terrib-

Before Dominus Noobius could finish typing, a bunch of Douglas Adams fans charged him.

"Hey, this is my fanfic, you have no right to do anything to me!" he shouted furiously as they swarmed him.

"Do you want Vogon poetry to be read to you? Or worse, be attacked by wet towels?" asked one, drawing out two towels. Others did the same.

Having no answer to the sheer versatility of the towels, he quickly surrendered and agreed not to make the reference.

The Smashers were watching the little argument from their own world. Dominus Noobius stared at them, and slammed the fourth wall shut.

"Wow." Roy muttered.

Master Hand took over the situation again and told the first group to get ready before he teleported them off to Shy Guy Beach. The eight racers weren't too scared at the notion of this first track-the Shy Guys didn't pop up much and the only real hazards were the dropping bombs that landed way out from land and the crabs, which were rather easily dodged.

So off it went. As Master Hand let them start, a rather sinister meeting was occurring somewhere else in the gaming universe…

"I will not stand for this! A Nintendo character using Microsoft-system video games to organise a fucking tournament?" screeched Grill Bates, head of Microsoft and pushing force behind the one and only personal home computer, considering Macs were a load of fail.

"Well, we can't control what's going on in the Smasher Mansion. We signed an agreement to allow a hilarious battle tournament to be held for those within the mansion once in a while, and that's about it…" explained the director of Nintendo, who was wearing a Nintendo logo shirt (which the Sony head made thumbs-down at regular moments.)

"Yeah, well you still suck. Why do you give video game characters so much power though? I can't interfere or I infringe copyright or something…" mumbled Bates.

"Woah, woah, woah, don't blame us. Master Chief headed over to the tournament our Hand is holding without telling you, they're going on their free will, not because we tell them to."

"Or they're bribing them." Bates snarled.

There was a silence. Sony and Bates exchanged glances. Eventually, Nintendo asked the question.

"What can I do for you then, Bates?" he asked.

"And what about me too?" Sony asked.

"Dude, Master Hand's not going to organise anything based on a Sony-specific game. It lacks proper multiplayer stuff apart from SingStar. Unless you make them play MultiTheftAuto or something." Bates said.

"Yeah, so what should we do?" Nintendo asked.

"I think maybe we should call upon the villains of the various games that we own. Let them pay a visit, give this Master Hand a show of force."

"You mean the villains of your games. Most of my flagship "villains" are at the mansion." Nintendo grumbled.

"Yeah, well, we've got plenty of firepower. Sony has the characters like Sephiroth and stuff. I've got Hell Knights and that Tartare Sauce douche with the big hammer. I don't think he wants to be screwing around with the hammer though, we had to put him in rehab after we finished making Halo 2. That was the secret reason we ended it on a cliffhanger." Bates said.

"Hah! I'm going to post that stuff on the Interweb!" Sony shouted, scribbling down notes rapidly.

Bates snapped his fingers, and the head of Bungie came out of nowhere and thumped Sony in the head with a baseball bat.

"Yeah, so that wasn't supposed to happen. But anyway, you fine about my arrangement?" Bates asked Nintendo.

Nintendo shrugged, but he added one more thing.

"Watch out for those Atari guys, especially Pacman. He'll eat your villains alive if they piss him off enough. They'll respawn, but trust me it's disturbing to be eaten by a yellow blob."

"All right." Bates replied, and he disappeared, but not before kicking the unconscious Sony in the face one more time.


	9. Wipeout Kart 64

**A/N: **You know what would be really cool? Mario Kart on the PS3. Imagine the uh…super awesome high-resolution graphics featuring sweat pouring down the faces of the racers, amazing kart models, beautifully rendered tracks, realistic smoke puffing from the karts and uh…yeah. That's kinda pointless. In the end though, PS3 still sucks.

They've got something going for them though, should be evening out in 08. Oh yes, I do apologise for the six month hiatus. The effect this has on Smashers and their real world connection will be explained (badly) in this chapter.

And about this whole Kart thing, inspiration for it came a little from the very good fanfic "Yoshi Kart", but most of it came from a need to include an obvious party game as one of the events in this tournament.

Master Hand sensed a…disturbance in the Force. After all, he _was _a Jedi…in name-only. He had beaten the crap out of the many Jedi sent to deal with him for illegally acquiring the title of "Jedi Master". With nothing else to do, Mace Windu and his fellow Jedi Councillors left him alone and focused their intentions on accidentally assassinating Chancellor/Emperor/Evil Ruler/Sith Lord/failure Palpatine.

The Hand felt as if everything in the video games universe had suddenly changed from their normal courses and…headed in his direction. This was pretty strange for him, to say the least. He shrugged and suddenly had a brainwave of sorts. He re-opened a communication link to all the Smashers, including the ones who were about to start racing…

"Hey, shitheads, I've decided to kill the 'realistic racing courses'. Arcade tracks full-on for this tournament. You guys will get to race generic sports cars later on…" he said, chuckling.

Without warning, he tapped the green light button and shouted:

"GO GO GO!!!!!"

The racing Smashers weren't expecting it and for a couple of seconds, remained dead on their heels. Samus got the start though, as she sped off from the line with Pikachu and Malon in hot pursuit. They headed out towards the first series of Wumpa Fruit and Lego bricks, a short distance away. Samus picked up three bricks-a pathway to a pretty good weapon and the other power-up upgrades were shared among the racers. They headed on, ramming into each other as they did. Marth attempted a PIT manoeuvre on Luigi but since they were in racing karts, it was kind of hard to PIT someone without spinning themselves around, so the two cleaned out, trading insults. As Samus and Malon headed towards the first line of crabs, Master Hand pulled up the new schedule of races:

**-Shy Guy Beach, Mario Kart Super Circuit**

**-Imperial Grand Prix, Lego Racers**

**-Track of DEATH, unknown**

**-Moo-Moo Farm, Mario Kart 64**

**-Magma Moon Marathon, Lego Racers**

**-Peach Circuit, Mario Kart Super Circuit**

**-Ganbare-Dochu, Konami Krazy Racers**

**-Bowser Castle 3, Mario Kart Super Circuit**

"No Diddy Kong Racing?" Nana called as she watched Peach make a sudden break forward to get a weapon pickup.

"Nah. We didn't even introduce the Diddy Kong Racing weapons." Master Hand replied.

"What the hell's the Track of Death?" Captain Falcon asked.

"Wait and see. Nobody gets to see that one until they actually drive on it." Master Hand said mysteriously.

"I hope you fall into a pit and die." Captain Falcon mumbled.

"Shitload of Mario Kart tracks in there. Bias?" Ness questioned.

"What other arcade racing game should I have? Konami Krazy Racers has some atrocious tracks. Oh and I forgot to mention that we ARE using Mario Kart GP scoring, y'know, 9-6-3-1." Master Hand retorted.

"Hand, we've played Mario Kart so many times it's shameful not to know." Falco replied with a grin.

"Don't remind of that."

The racers were now near the end of the first lap, and Pikachu and Malon were neck-to-neck. At least they were neck-to-neck until Pikachu totalled Malon with a cream pie and Malon responded by dropping a TNT crate as she started to spin out. Samus gleefully took the lead as she raced by on a mushroom.

He pulled up the tracks for the second round.

**-Toad's Turnpike, Mario Kart 64**

**-Pole Position Race 1, Pole Position**

**-Cyber Field 2, Konami Krazy Racers**

**-Tiny Temple, Crash Nitro Kart**

**-Pacman Track, Pacman**

**-Xalax, Lego Racers 2**

**-Velo's Citadel, Crash Nitro Kart**

**-Rainbow Road, Mario Kart 64**

"Wait, what the shit? Pacman Track?" Fox asked, staring.

"Yeah…cunning bugger Pacman. He requested a whole load of other stuff along with making an entrance during the Pacman event. This is one of them. Wait and see."

"A NAMCO GAME? Pole Position? Isn't that an F1 sorta game?" Krystal looked at Master Hand, her eyes narrowed.

"Yeah, another one of my uber-secret super tracks. Wait and see…providing you make the second round."

With that, no more Smashers asked questions and they settled to watch the race. They were now halfway through the second lap and Marth had drawn up to the leading pack of Samus, Pikachu and Malon. Ganondorf and Luigi were struggling at the rear, trying to knock each other off the road and falling further behind. Mewtwo and Peach were somewhere in between.

Samus was trying to pull Marth off-line into the water, but it took a while to get deep and therefore force a bail-out meaning her strategy didn't exactly work. She tried putting him off by imaginary Force chokes with her hands and first she thought it worked as Marth's eyes ballooned. But then Marth grinned and flipped her off. They skidded against each other going for a Wumpa Fruit box but Pikachu slipped in front of them to steal it. All of a sudden, the three of them were walloped by missiles and shouted "What the fuck?!" simultaneously. The missiles had come from Mewtwo, who had picked up the three white bricks and red offensive item which had turned out to be a Lego Racers weapon. Malon sped past the three as they untangled themselves. But before anyone could reach another series of weapons, everyone on the track was suddenly struck by an anvil-courtesy of Mr. Luigi. Of course, nobody other than Ganondorf knew it was the green plumber.

The third lap started as Marth, Samus and Pikachu pushed at Malon, who was speeding away, trying to keep her head cool. She picked up a brick and made a move to the blue defensive boxes, and prayed for something big…

A line of bananas. She cursed the fruit silently, and activated it, leaving a trail behind her back. The bananas would give her one chance to survive whatever the others could throw at her. Unfortunately, they were blown away almost immediately as a homing missile from Samus ran at her. Then Pikachu unleashed the rocket he had acquired-the Lego Racers weapon. He had planned only on riding it for a short time to get a little boost, but he held it too long, and he rammed into the back of Samus. Marth, who was about to use an acquired nitro, was caught in the explosion, and the two of them screamed at Pikachu as they flew in the air:

"YOU CRAZY IDIOT!"

Despite the ruckus, Mewtwo and Peach still weren't catching up nor were Ganon or Luigi. Malon heard the blast somewhere behind her, and breathed a sigh of relief as she raced towards another defensive item, a shield which guaranteed her victory. Marth used his nitro boost to speed away to second while Samus came in third and Pikachu fourth. No special items had shown up yet.

Samus pulled herself out of the kart and stalked towards Pikachu, who was grinning sheepishly. Marth was coming the other way while the others looked at the three, bemused.

"What was all that about?" Marth demanded, looking down at the electric mouse.

Pikachu shrugged. Samus was equally furious, if not more so. Her eyes blazed as she grabbed Pikachu and held him up.

"Woah, woah, don't go 'Dark Samus' on us. You high on…Phazon? From Aether? You know?" Marth asked.

Samus stared at him and dropped Pikachu with a thud. Shooting one last glare at the two of them, she headed back to her kart.

"Uh…thanks, Marth." Pikachu said gingerly as he got up.

"No problems." Marth smirked, having forgotten about the incident already.

Unfortunately for them, Samus hadn't and the fire lifted her. She went on a tear at the Imperial Grand Prix, a race set by a harbour being attacked by a pirate ship. The cannonballs that it was firing didn't really do much though. Samus sped out early and with the Lego Racers layout meaning there was always a choice to choose from, went boost-whoring before moving well ahead off a Lego-Racer warp. Pikachu came in second while Mewtwo picked up a super engine late to zip into third.

"Watch the oestrogen, Darth." Marth taunted Samus as he crossed the finish line in fifth place.

"He really should stop trying to wind her up." Link said, watching the screen.

Master Hand silently agreed. Samus was a naturally fiery figure, having spent quite a few years shooting the crap out of Space Pirates and Metroids. She could get mean very fast.

But she didn't have time to get meaner as they were quickly teleported to the next track. For the watching Smashers, the screen went black. And for the racers…well they had been moved to some sort of track…which wasn't really a track. It was more like a short stretch of road leading into nothingness. However, ahead of them, and all around them, were trailers of what seemed to be unreleased games.

"Master Hand, what the hell is this place?" Mewtwo asked.

"This is a preview of unreleased games. Unseen trailers. Nothing those dudes at Gamespot or IGN have seen. Enjoy!" Master Hand shouted.

"Wait, what about the race? HAND? HAND?! Fucker." Ganondorf snarled.

The Smashers settled down though as they really wanted to check out the footage. Some of the stuff seemed to be made for E3, but most of the others were deeper for still-unreleased games. There were complaints by a few over their terribly rendered in-game models in Super Smash Brothers Brawl. And a few other various moans.

It seemed that only Ganondorf was worried about the race.

"HAND, YOU FUCKER! WHAT ABOUT THIS RACE?" he screamed.

"Shut up!" came the shout simultaneously.

Ganondorf sighed and stared at the infinite darkness below. He didn't want to risk his neck by driving off the track…maybe it was one of those wait-it-out sorts of things. He decided to make someone else do it instead. He called out to Peach, who was in front of his kart.

"Hey Peach, check out that game over there!" he shouted, pointing somewhere to his right.

Peach turned her head to it. Immediately, Ganondorf hit the accelerator and rammed into Peach with force.

The blonde princess screamed and hit the brake, but it was too late. Her kart tumbled off the track and into…blackness. The other Smashers looked and waited to see what would happen. Suddenly, there was a loud bang, and suddenly, a series of fireworks burst out. Weasleys' Wildfire Whiz-Bangs? One of them formed a series of words:

PEACHWINNAR!

There was pandemonium. None of the racers could believe what had just happened. All they had to do was _drive off the edge_ to win? And Ganondorf did the business for Peach.

"What the hell was the point of that?" Marth shouted angrily.

"Hey, you guys got to see stuff that millions of gamers would kill to take a peek at. Feel lucky."

"Where did you get those fireworks?" Luigi asked.

"Uh…I went into the Wizarding world. Stole some stuff from Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes. Actually, I bought them along with a few hundred Skiving Snackboxes. Nearly got skewered by something at the Magical Menagerie though."

"Didn't Fred die during the seventh book?"

"No, you idiot, that seventh book was actually fake. 'Nuff said." Master Hand explained quickly and he sent the eight racers flying through gaming dimensions to Mario Kart 64 before they could inquire anything else about his special stage and Harry Potter.

Moo-Moo Farm was familiar to all of the characters. Of course, they'd played Mario Kart 64. It had also been the scene of a preliminary round during one of the tournaments last year, where at one point, Samus and Fox began tossing balls of mud at each other during a stalemate where they had simply fired projectiles at each other. Samus had started it after Fox had cheesed her; shielding several of her flying kicks and bombarding her with fire from his ray gun. Eventually, both had picked up smitings from Master Hand (in Samus being shot by full-power projectiles from each of her weapons and Fox being rammed by the Star Fox) and Fox was mocked as a "chick mud wrestler". Samus, similarly, copped it for fighting with males in mud (despite the fact that everyone acknowledged her as a tomboy.)

Master Hand produced yet another gem of a start when he rushed them off by drilling a massive hole next to the racers. At first, they were all confused by the action but Pikachu shot out of the blocks, probably as he had jammed on the accelerator in surprise. The rest quickly followed him, speeding towards the first set of power-ups. Master Hand, watching them, was bored so he pulled up…a giant mole and chuckled as several of the racers slammed head-on into what turned out to be a cardboard cut-out. That didn't mean it didn't do anything though, as Luigi, Samus, Malon and Ganondorf were sent flying. Ganondorf really should've had the weight to barge straight through the cut-out, but it was easy enough to blame the physics of the track and the world of Nintendo.

Pikachu had flown out to the front on a golden mushroom while Mewtwo and Peach were pushing at him. Marth was a little back, hanging out a couple of nasty obstacles for the rest of the racers, still recovering from the hit by the giant mole. Pikachu was cleaned out by a red shell from Mewtwo who got his own pizza from Peach, firing her bowling ball as she sped past the slipping Pikachu. Marth rammed into the electric Pokemon from behind, skidding him away even further. With that, Peach and Marth pulled into the lead, slamming into each other to try and push their ways to a lead. Peach cornered sharply in an attempt to overtake Marth inside, but Marth spotted the move and blocked it off. She moved to the right. Marth responded by following it.

For the next ten seconds, as Peach attempted all sorts of weird overtaking moves, Marth responded by blocking each one off although a couple of times, he easily could've moved on even further. The Toadstool Princess was fuming. Instead of going for her next move as Marth yelled out an insult with something to do with Mario, she leaned forward, trying to balance her kart at the same time and took a swipe at the back of Marth's head, who was close enough for her to reach.

The contact caused a dramatic effect. Marth was not expecting such a move (why would he have?) and he lost control, jerking his steering wheel to the left in a wild slide. Unfortunately, Peach had followed it up with another ram, and her own kart tyres skidded wildly out of control, following in the direction of Marth. As they pulled off the track cursing each other, Pikachu and Mewtwo raced by, engaged in their own battle as they both looked for their first wins. As they raced around the "farm" on their final lap, unintruded with the rest all in their own struggles, Mewtwo tried to psych Pikachu out but Pikachu held it off. As the electric Pokemon gathered his senses for another way to break down Mewtwo, the psychic Pokemon closed his eyes and unleashed his strongest possible Psybeam attack.

It worked. Pikachu screamed in agony as his mind was swamped pretty fierce, but his instincts kicked into action, and instead, he squeezed his cheeks _very hard_. A full-fledged Thunder attack. Both racers were in bad shape, but now they were in serious pain as they sped side-to-side towards the finishing line. Their karts ended up spluttering over the line together, followed by Luigi about eight seconds later. The Smashers looked inquiringly at Master Hand, who tried his version of a "shrug" (very hard, being a single hand). In the end, he telekinetically messaged to each Smasher that he was trying to shrug and declared the race a tie. Mewtwo and Pikachu weren't very happy about that, but they couldn't do much with their Thunder attacks anyway.

Magma Moon Marathon was close to a jaunt. With the exception of the shortcut which only opened occasionally and the magma spewing out of a few holes (Master Hand decided to make the magma more painful than usual: usually, it was harmless but he had twiddled with it to make it explode like a TNT barrel, as Marth had found out.) Samus rolled in first to put her in prime position for the second round after driving into a shortcut with Mewtwo, who came second while Malon came all the way from seventh to finish third.

Another similar case came with Peach Circuit, another rather familiar track to all. Rather laid-back and basic, with only the exception of a few hairpin turns (which didn't matter since spinning someone else out was hard either way), the racers focused on speed rather than knocking each other off the track. Samus was hit by a homing missile early on, but she recovered to finish third and secure her place from at least elimination. Luigi's early super engine power-up allowed him to take a chunky lead which he held onto from Pikachu, who streaked home on Lego Racers booster rockets. Master Hand once again had messed them all up by nuking them all about halfway through the race. It didn't affect the placings.

Ganbare Dochu was another amiable track, this time from Konami Krazy Racers. A simple circular run with the only obstacles being a little patch of trees and a couple of bridges with small holes in them. The race was also accompanied with rather peaceful yet jovial music which only sped up a touch on the final lap.

It should have been another test of speed, placement and timing, but Master Hand once again effectively screwed the track up when he exploded one of the bridges, instead placing a ramp for which racers could jump over the water with. He also decided to place a spawn point where an assortment of missiles, anvils, shells and cream pies would be fired/thrown at the unlucky racers as each one hit the ramp. A direct hit would usually result in a bail into the water. Some Smashers tried to take evasive action at this, but ended up spinning out or performing wild flips as they splashed into the water anyway.

It was the most torturous race of the series so far. Master Hand's weapons were firing themselves with deadly precision and the Smashers racing were falling into the water again and again. Ganondorf broke this flurry of fire and took the lead and finally, Peach was also able to get through, although she barely made it as she was hit in the air by a red shell. After a while, several of the Smashers were able to run through in a temporary break from the firing, leaving only a furious Mewtwo and a rather lazy Samus who had already sealed her place, in their wake.

They still had to beat the ramps twice more, but Master Hand had decided to relieve them of it…or more likely he was laughing too much to keep shooting as quickly. Ganondorf held onto his lead, follow by Peach and then an anaemic Marth. The other Smashers crossed the line, glad that they weren't subjective to any further pain. Mewtwo rolled in last with a time of eight minutes, thirteen seconds and about three minutes after everyone else…

The stage was set for the final race. Samus was clear and away with 24, as was Pikachu on 22. Both were in the driver's seat for the next round. But there was still a tussle for the wild-card spots, led by Mewtwo on 19 and Peach on 16 (naturally aided by her TRACK OF DEATH win). However, Master Hand discovered that he had his own problems…

Bowser Castle 3 was yet another familiar Mario Kart sight. Fortunately, Hand hadn't messed with the track too much, only deciding to add a few more crusher thingies and make the fireballs spewing from the lava bigger.

Samus and Pikachu were both determined to make it directly to the point scoring round, and they shot off immediately. Initially, Pikachu tried to bribe Samus (in Pokemon yen) to let him win, but Samus was still fuming from the Shy Guy Beach debacle and declined. Malon was also lurking in third and Mewtwo following up behind. But Pikachu and Samus were pulling further and further ahead, fuelled by their competitive spirit and the fact that one had used a brick earthquake, and the other an anvil strike.

By halfway through the final lap, Samus and Pikachu was miles ahead, shooting towards the open lava section. They clashed side-to-side, trying to deny each other power-ups. In fact, they were heading for a row of power-ups, and Pikachu cut out to grab his own: a red shell. Unfortunately, as he fired it, Samus cut across his path, activating the Star which she had picked up and sending him skidding into the wall. With that, Samus streaked towards the finishing line, her victory seemingly secure.

But Pikachu wasn't finished yet. Cursing quietly to himself, he sped towards the last set of power-ups just as Samus rounded the corner. He closed his eyes, hoping for something worthwhile. When he reopened them a couple of seconds later, he found himself looking at a lightning symbol. A Mario lightning symbol.

The electricity jolt shrank everyone who could be seen on the track, including Samus. With that, Pikachu raced back towards the bounty hunter as she limped towards the finishing line. He was gaining with every second. As he turned the second-last corner, he spotted Samus rounding the last corner sharply. He had to go for the squash to seal a win-a photo finish wouldn't do much for him. He altered his direction a little and headed straight for Samus, praying that she wouldn't grow back to normal size before he got there.

Unfortunately, she did. Unfortunately for both of them though, this was as Pikachu ran over the top of her, and instead of finding himself over the finish line, Pikachu found himself tangled on top of Samus. Neither could move. Pikachu's wheels were stuck trying to get over the back of Samus's kart, and Samus's own wheels couldn't get going with the weight and pressure of a kart hanging off her back.

And that was when Malon struck. She had been the only racer on track who could not be seen as Pikachu activated the lightning, and she had gained on the leaders, picking up a boost on the last row of power-ups. It was simply a regular mushroom, but the speed boost had her pulling up fast towards the two still-stuck leaders. She sped past them, breathing a sigh of relief for her victory. Similarly, she decided that a couple of presents for Pikachu were also necessary.

By now though, Mewtwo was also rounding the corner. He knew the maths: a second would keep him alive no matter what had happened and he did just so, racing past the still-struggling pair. Finally the two had disentangled, Pikachu finally mustering up enough horsepower to pull himself underneath Samus and over the line, followed slowly by Samus.

But it was costly for both. Malon's win had elevated her to fourth and a wildcard spot on 23. However, Mewtwo's second and Pikachu and Samus straggling over had put them in a three-way tie for first on 25, and Master Hand hadn't even thought of a tie-breaker yet.

Samus was literally taking matters into her own hands anyway. She had extricated herself from the kart and was striding towards Pikachu…again. Fury radiated from her every cell, and Pikachu was slowly taking steps back, thinking about fleeing. Too late. Samus grabbed Pikachu, and started strangling him with her fingers. Pikachu quickly turned a pale yellow, then totally white (quite a sight). However, his instincts kicked in and he mustered a kick into the chest of the bounty hunter…like it did much. He was unable to use any lightning or Agility for that sakes either. Mewtwo, Malon and an arriving Marth (heh, the three M's) all rushed over to separate the two. In the end, it was Master Hand who broke it up with a lazy sweep of his hand.

"Okay, let me see…deciding on smitings…okay." Hand mumbled as Samus and Pikachu stood there, Pikachu still rather white avoiding eye contact and Samus in her black outfit shooting daggers at Pikachu with her eyes.

Master Hand still couldn't decide a fitting smiting, so he quickly shut the chapter down, ignoring the protests of the readers yelling: "No you, bitch! You haven't told us how six months forward has affected the mansion!"

**E/N: **Yep, I don't hold promises.


End file.
